Friday, December 12, 2008

7 Whole Days

So, after tomorrow I have 7 whole days off to myself. What should I do? Road Trip? Does anybody want me to come and visit them? I'm open to ideas, it's 106 miles to wherever I wanna go, I got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses.

Let's Hit It.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Givings and Thanks

I'm finally full, and a little bit buzzed, so it's time to write about what it is that I am Thankful for.

I am thankful for Life. That I have Life, which leads me to the first person I am thankful for, Deb. It is Deb who is most of the reason I am still here to be able to write this at all. So if anything I have done in the last year has at all offended you or pissed you off, blame her. She's the one who saved my life, more or less. It's Deb who has gave me the most when she did not always have anything to give, and for which I will be eternally grateful.

Then there are the usual gang of Idiots, Frank, Ahmed, Benny and Kurt. The guys who always gave me the good advice that I just didn't take, and who would have thought it figured?

Ok, no more Alanis. But every time I had some great revelation this year I realized it was something one of you had already told me. There is a saying about horses and water that I believe is applicable here. But I am still thankful for them, even though I don't listen to what they say... eventually the message gets through.

Then there is the person who gave me the impetus, the motivation if you will, to get better and to stay better. Lauren, this Bud's for you. Or rather, this Cupcake's for you. Oh who am I kidding, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets right? But seriously, just because I was convinced that I needed to live, didn't mean I had a reason to live for. I have that now, and I found it because of you, so thanks for that.

And there are so many other people that I am thankful for; Tamicka, Kei-Chan, Tashana, Emily, Ari, Muse, Sarita and a lot of other people that I have met through the year that have just given me faith that all people aren't assholes...

I am thankful for my family, thankful that my brother is everything I wasn't in College; Respected, Attractive, in Fantastic shape, Popular, and a Star Athlete. I'm thankful that I finally went to my mother's grave.

I'm thankful that I didn't die in a Walmart yesterday. I'm thankful for everyone that knows I love them but I didn't mention. If you want me to verify, ask me. I'll surely tell you if you're as is wrong or not. for instance "Fuck no I don't love or appreciate you, and I DAMN SURE AIN'T THANKFUL FOR YOU. GO FUCK OFF, WANKER!" That maybe my response. One never knows.

But chances are if you are in my life now I am grateful for you and love you. So I hope your Thanksgivings were great, and I hope you're Decembers are fantastic! OK, I'm finally sleepy. If you have a problem with not being mentioned, write me an angry letter or shoot me; either way I'll get the message.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

That One

That One

An Exit Eleven Remix

(to the tune of “No One” by Alicia Keys)

I want you to know

He only wants the House for 8 more years

Then you can try

Again to get it with no fears

You and him together

Campaigned day and night

But I didn’t worry cuz

Everything’s fucked up on the Right

That one, that one, that one

Got in the way of you being President

That one, that one, that one

Kept your old ass out of the White House, House, House

Kept your ass out of the White House

When McCain was shouting you down

And your Polls were suffering

Michelle was always around

Even when winning was uncertain

You and Joe together

Campaigned day and night

But I never worried cuz

Bush fucked up the whole Right

That one, that one, that one

Stopped McCain from being President

That one, that one, that one

Kept Palin’s dumb ass out of the White House, House, House

Kept her stupid MILF ass out of the Whit House

I know you fought halfway across the world

To protect our rights that we have here

I know you think you’re so smart and that he’s so not

But at this point in time there’s no one better for us

That one, that one, that one

Stopped you from being President

That one, that one, that one

Stopped Cain ‘n Palin from screwing us some more, more, more

Stopped the GOP from screwing us some more

O’ O’ O’ O’ Oooooo’, O’ O’ O’ O’ Oooooo’, O’ O’ O’ O’ O’-O, O-O, O-O, BA, MAAAA

O’ O’ O’ O’ Oooooo’, O’ O’ O’ O’ Oooooo’, O’ O’ O’ O’ O’-O, O-O, O-O, BA, MAAAA

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Getting to Knooow Me

A - Age: Thirty

B - Band listening to right now: right now, as in "now playing": Aaliyah, "Back and Forth". right now as in "in general": T.I., Lil Wayne, Weezer, Oasis, The Police.

C - Career future: Going back to John Jay College to get my Masters in Forensic Counseling Psychology so that I can get my L.P.C.

D - Dad's name: I don't remember.

E - Easiest person to talk to: Other psychologists and/or Sagittarius

F - Favorite type of shoe: Timbs

G – Grapes or Grapefruit: grapes. Grapefruit Juice

H – Hometown: Iselin, New Jersey Exits 11 or 131.

I – Instrumental talent: i can play the piano, but i haven't in a while. i bought a guitar back in august and have yet to touch it. i played the clarinet from 3rd grade until 10th grade.

J – Juice of choice: The one with all of the Vodka in it. That is, whichever juice has vodka in it at the time is my favorite juice.

K – Koala Bear or Panda Bear: polar bears.

L - Longest car ride ever: 12 hours to Atlanta. twice. Second place is 10 hours to Lexington, KY for a lesbian wedding.

M – Middle name: William

N - Number of jobs you've had: hm. let's think about this.

I first worked at Pathmark pushing carts. Then they brought me inside to the Dairy, then I spent a good long while in the Produce aisle. Then they decided I wasn't doing well there so they moved me to the registers as punishment, which I hated, so I did a crappy job.

Then came Stern's which was alternately fun and frustratimng. Especially fruustrating when they closed it and turned it into Macy's which sucked. I worked three Holiday seasons in Woodbridge Center Mall, which is akin to doing three tours in 'nam. Never again.

Then there was being a Community Serviice Officer at RU, which is a fancy name for student security. It was cool though, I got to work all the home football games my last year, which was actually pretty fun. Then I got my first real job working as a Case Manager fopr mentally ill people in a residential home, did that for a few years, got promoted to Site Manager, which was cool because I got to be tha Boss.

Then I became a Mental Health Screener, and I have been doing that ever since. First I did it in the Screening center for Middlesex County at UMDNJ in Piscataway, now I do it in Essex County Prison. Fun times, I tell ya.

O- OCD traits: Um... none really... I'm kind of an agent of Chaos.

P - Phobia[s]: I have fears, but no real phobias. Nothing that would actiually give me a panic attack.

Q - Quote: "What did I do now?"

R - Reason to smile: being alive. that's sort of all encompassing now, isn't it?

S - Song you sang last: "Don't Disturb This Groove" The System

T - Time you wake up: between 12-1 pm

U - Unknown fact about me: On three occasions I have considered being Poly, but neither time did it happen.

V - Vegetable you hate: beans, especially the big pale green ones. yuck. Though technically I guess those are legumes...

W - Worst habit: I unintentionally hurt others feelings and don't realize it till it's too late

X - X-rays you've had: CAT scan and teeth

Y - Yummiest food my belly likes: Lasagna and mac and cheese, both from my family

Z - Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

And I Am Outta Here!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Toxic Avenger: the Musical

There is good, there is great, and then there is Toxic Avenger the Musical, now playing at the George St. Playhouse in New Brunswick, NJ. Now, I am not usually one prone to hyperbole, but I am going to give it a shot here. This is by far the funniest play that I have ever seen. Not that I have been to see too many funny plays. In fact, the only other one I can think of is I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change I actually really liked that play, which is a musical as well, which may explain why I loved Toxic Avenger so much. Joe DiPietro wrote the book and lyrics to both. Apparently I am now a huge Joe DiPietro fan. He really knows his material, as he was born and raised off of Exit 166 of the Parkway (that’s way up North, damn!)

The biggest strength of this program is in its lyrics. The songs are exceptionally humorous and moving, and sang exceptionally well. Good material well executed is usually a reliable formula for success. The music and lyrics were done by David Bryan. Who’s that you say? Well, he’s only the keyboardist and founding member of Bon Jovi! If that is not enough reason for you to get your ass to New Brunswick and see this damn play I don’t know what else to tell you… Oh wait, yes I do, it’s in the following paragraphs. Do you really need to know the pedigree of Bon -120+ million albums sold to date-Jovi? OK, now that we’re all on the same page about Mr Bryan, I can tell you that his musical expertise is on full display in Toxic Avenger. There is a wide variety of musical styles sung in the different songs, and even a sly takeoff of The Boss on a couple of occasions. There are at least two tangos, which I was not expecting, and a decent amount of all-out old-fashioned Rock. These two NJ pieces fall together perfectly to produce a musical score that you are guaranteed to be humming all the way home. And now to get a little more specific about the subject matter.

For those of you who don’t know (and shame on you) this musical is an interpretation of the four Toxic Avenger movies all made by the infamous Troma Studios, where all truly great Bad Movies are made. In the original movie Melvin, our hero, is a 90 lb weakling who gets bullied to the point where his tormentors feel it appropriate to dump him in a vat of toxic waste. Now, rather than kill him like it should, it turns him into a giant, green, mutated superhero. Similar circumstances happen in the Musical, for different reasons (go see the damn thing for specifics!) but the outcome is the same; giant green freak runs amok in the name of justice and love. Yes, Love dammit! If there is one positive message everyone can take away from this play, it’s that if a Big Green Freak can find Hot Toxic Love, then you can too. And if not, then Everybody Dies anyway, so you can comfort yourself with the fact that whoever Tore Your Heart Out will die eventually too. The most impressive thing about Toxic Avenger the Musical is that there are about 15+ characters represented in the entire story, only 5 actors, and no intermission. One thing is for certain, if you want to be an actor in this play, you have to be in shape, because there are no breaks or time outs. Everyone is in action all of the time.

The cast is charged not only with keeping up this hectic pace, but also with doing justice to the wonderful songs and lyrics that they have been provided with by DiPietro and Bryan. As with every other challenge put before them, the Cast faces down this challenge and rips its guts out. Audra Blaser (Sarah) has great range, and proves it by singing a variety of songs throughout the story. She hits high notes and low, and even puts a good bit of soul in her voice for a little white girl. Nick Cordero doesn’t have as much range as the Toxic Avenger, but all he has to do is mutilate people and Rock Out, which he does admirably, so it’s all good. Demond Green (Black Dude) and David Josefsberg (White Dude) pull double duty, literally, having to sing as men and women. And the damndest thing is they pull of both sexes very convincingly. I have to say thought, I could have gone without seeing them in Tina Turner style Vegas gowns, but maybe that’s just me. And Nancy Opel does perhaps the hardest bit of all, singing one song as two different people. The performances really are not to be believed. I mean, this play should be seen just to marvel at the actors’ endurance.

I really cannot say enough about the play, but I want you to see it for yourself. You do not have to be from NJ to enjoy it, but it helps. I left that theater with so much Jersey pride I felt ready to burst. We are a state full of fighters, and we do not let anyone beat us down, no matter how much the odds are against us. We are also some funny s.o.b.’s apparently. Troma, as I said, are the masters of the Great Bad movie, and this is a Great Bad Musical. That being said, it is worth your time and money. The laughs are uproarious, and the Jersey in-jokes are great if you can catch them. If you go in their expecting Miss Saigon, you will be sorely disappointed, but if you go with an open mind expecting to have a great time, your every wish will be fulfilled.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Because Emo Kids look to the Stars for Advice Too.


Yet again the emphasis veers to romance, thanks to the fabulous solar/lunar aspect. Unfortunately, Romance is the most tragic area of your existence, and everyone knows it. For single Rams an intriguing individual is likely to grab your attention today! So will his/her boyfriend/girlfriend! There should be some good opportunities to get to know this person and their significant other better. Just remember that opposites attract! You will be greatly attracted to this person, but their significant other will hate you. Well, you could always sit and wait for them to break up… IF that ever happens…


You are likely to surprise and impress someone significant today by taking the lead. You will soon regret it however, as you will fail spectacularly at your task. Opportunistic influences should put you in the right place at the right time, but as usual you will let them pass by as you once again fail to muster the motivation necessary to seize the day. You’ll be in an excellent position to dole out some very helpful advice, earning you much deserved respect! Too bad no one ever listens to you.


You lose a potentially distracting aspect, which should help you to firm up on a financial or practical matter! Unfortunately, that potentially distracting aspect was your little sibling to influenza. He/she will probably pull through, after being on a ventilator for 6 months but hey, at least you don’t have to worry about them messing up your eyeliner collection for a while. It might feel as though you finally hit the nail on the head over a lingering problem, or it could be the chance comment of a friend that gets you thinking, but keep on cutting and the answers will come. Just be receptive to the signs today!


You should benefit from some financial improvements today, which can only mean one thing; more My Chemical Romance, Jimmy Eat World, and DeathCab for Cutie cd’s! An overdue shopping spree for some morose emo music for your iPod Touch will fail to provide the perfect lift for your feted, misbegotten life! Take a friend who will also never be satisfied with anything they have, so you don’t feel bad about your excessively fortunate lifestyle and upbringing. Whatever you do don’t bring someone who is less fortunate than you who will make you feel guilty, or advise you against buying anything too outlandish!


The fun and games that were lacking yesterday will be missing today as well. They should have been well and truly in evidence today, but come one, when does that ever happen for you? Romance sizzles for everyone but you, thanks to the both the lunar influence, and your piss-poor attitude. On a certain matter relating to a close friend you should go with your logic right now, rather than trying to follow a more instinctive approach! Remember, every time you’ve listened to your gut in the past it has resulted in disaster.


Work or school is likely to provide the setting for some impressive defeat, as it has many times in the past. You’ll feel confident enough to take charge, but in no way should you; stay the course and keep to yourself. By all means, do not ruffle any feathers, who do you think you are? This is no mean feat, but for as long as you are you, with your personality, coming from where you come from, and looking the way you look, you’ll be in no shape to take charge! Please don’t go out of your normal position!


Thanks to a very beneficial aspect you are likely to have a day to remember when in comes to romance! No one will love you of course, or even regard you fondly, but you may just go one day without anyone making any disparaging remarks about your weight or appearance. And let’s be honest with ourselves, for you, you have to put that as a day in the WIN column. Singles could meet someone rather enigmatic, who will use them for money or sex, while attached Librans could be blown away by a sweet gesture that is used to cover up an affair by their significant other! However don’t attach too much importance to romantic words; we all know words are just promises waiting to be broken, don’t we?


You have not enjoyed the best of times over the past couple of days, and guess what bucko; you’re heading for a steep drop-off in the future! Work or school has been putting far too much pressure on you and so far you have not been complaining to anyone who can outrun you, but today the worlds is going to know exactly how you feel. Let’s see how they can ignore you when you take all of those aspirin in the middle of Lunch period! An evening out at the ER will be just what you need! God knows you don’t actually want to hurt yourself, but you will get the attention you crave!


Your finances should improve significantly today, thanks to the solar/lunar aspect, and the side job you took exchanging money for sex. Honestly, it is your only skill. However, don’t spend it yet, no matter how much MAC eyeliner and Cure t-shirts go on sale. Hold on to it instead to guard against any more of your wild, violent mood swings, and for bail money. In the coming weekend, which is looking good for fun, watch out for abusive ex’s and any chances you have to vent your brooding rage. You’re still on probation remember…


It is likely to be one of those days where everything just clicks together against you. The planets indicate the possibility of an offer or a business based proposal coming towards a rival of yours today. But a minor aspect suggests that you read the small print, because it may enable you to foul up their sweetheart deal. Use your head, look for details, and your spite may end up ruining your rival’s life. Don’t leap in feet first, or someone else might experience some joy!


A stroke of good luck is likely to brighten your day today, but then soon, the other shoe drops and you will come crashing back down to Earth. Cash matters are looking good, until they’re not. On an emotional level though, your day might prove to be a little more demanding when you are forced to tag along with your ex (who you still have not gotten over) and his/her new significant other as a third wheel on their date tonight. Tensions with a friend might arise because of a confidence crisis; don’t be dismissive of their concerns! Especially since their concern is that you will kill someone tonight and go to prison for the rest of your life.


If an unresolved matter resurfaces today don’t panic; there is no proof that you killed that hooker, you were meticulous! You could find you get support and help from an unlikely quarter, like Satan for instance… Delve deep into a problem to discover the real root-cause; don’t waste too much time on this however, because you know that the real cause of any problem is always you. Be prepared for some home truths, like your parents are horrible and suck for giving you everything you could ever want, but if you handle it calmly today’s planets could have a very beneficial effect! But probably not.

Monday, September 22, 2008

An Anti-Obama FYI

Just a little FYI for those of you who are anti-Obama, I wanted you to know who your peers are. ...And people wonder why I don't vote Republican... because these are some of the people who do! Granted, I hate hippies, and hippies generally vote Democrat, but at least hippies aren't in the intellectual neighborhood of lynch mobs.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Football Proletariat Arises

After a couple of weeks of football have finally been digested, I feel a lot better about summer coming to an end. Besides the fact that Hurricane season is just as exciting as Football season, (and both are 100x more exciting than baseball season), both the college and Professional football seasons are shaping up to look pretty interesting. By interesting, I mean that no one knows what is going to happen, especially not the idiots on TV. It is an inverse correlation; the more sure someone is of their opinion about a sport on television, the more sure they are to be wrong about it. But we all know those guys are not paid to be right or wrong, they are paid to be loud and say things that make you mad. And that is what they are good at.

But honestly, no one knows what is going to happen in either league this year. In college football, the proletariat is definitely making a move to cut the heads off of the ruling class. Notre Dame was already taken to the Guillotine last year, and it looks like many more big names will follow this year; names like, oh, say, the entire Big East.

I mean, honestly, really, what the fuck? Really guys? West Virginia? Only three points against a multi-directional Carolina team? And Rutgers… don’t even get me started… But then , that is the main example of what I am talking about. Teams like East Carolina, Bowling Green, BYU, and Fresno state… FRESNO STATE! Have put major hurtings on BCS conference teams. I think this trend is going to continue throughout the year, even though the experts will tell you that "order will be restored" Well let me tell ya something, like the Joker said in The Dark Knight, things aren’t ever going back the way they were. Talented high school kids aren’t going to waste their time at BCS school riding the pine when they can start at Mid Major schools and have the chance to make a splash upsetting one of those venerable BCS schools. The tide has turned, and that dreaded "p"-word, parity, is sneaking it’s way into the College ranks.

In the NFL, after this opening weekend one thing is very clear; the National Football League is dedicated to making singers with funny accents as popular as it can. 2 out of 3 performers at the NFL’s Kickoff Concert on Thursday, September 4th were foreign born, and I do not think this was a coincidence. Keith Urban, a Grammy Award winning country singer, grew up in Australia, he performed a long set after singer Natasha Bedingfield, who grew up in London. I believe the NFL is trying to subconsciously force feed us international celebrities and making Buffalo play a game in Toronto to take away focus from certain domestic products that, quite frankly just stink (coughnfcwestcough). Yes, I believe the NFL is doing everything it can to draw attention away from it’s crappier teams with bright and shiny objects from other countries. God knows any sane human would rather see good old gorgeous blond Natasha than the God-awful Detroit Lions. You know your team sucks when even in a City in which the Mayor has resigned because he has been charged with a Felony, your pathetic squad is still the more depressing mess.

Anyway, Everyone in the NFC and AFC East won their games today, except for the Redskins and Dolphins, who played Division foes. If that means we are going to have an all East Super Bowl again, I’m all for it. Screw the rest of the country, what do they have to offer? I am all about East Coast Bias, and if Northeast teams dominate, than so be it. Of course, in keeping with the theme (there was a theme?) of this post, I guess I should mention some potential surprises in the NFL this year. OK, how about this… Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw won’t sound like complete idiots for one whole Sunday at some point this season. I mean, it has to happen at least once, right?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Confessions of a Crazy Ex Boyfriend 8/19

Confessions From One Ex to Another

This week I have something a little different for you. A few weeks ago I received an email from a guy who was going through a severe Crazy Ex Boyfriend phase, and he wanted my advice on how to extract himself from his situation. Here I will post his question (with the names changed to protect the unstable, of course) and what I wrote him in response. I would love for this to become a habit. If anyone knows any guys who need advice on troubling relationships, please point them in my direction. You know what they say, those who can't do, teach ;)

Hi John,

My name is Steve, and I'm responding to the blog you wrote. I'm acting
like a crazy ex boyfriend. Before I met my last girlfriend, I was a pretty even tempered man. I was peaceful living on my own and working on fixing my inner soul. I was on my way of working towards the being in the film/TV industry. Then came her, her name was Louise. We met online and starting talking for a while, soon we became an item. We were in love. Even though she was always annoying, self centered, and narcissistic, I put up with it. Sometimes she day by day stressed me out, and got on my nerves about me focusing too much on myself working. She'd compare her ex's to me and then continued to mock me, insult me, verbally abuse my ego and made me feel insecure. It was an on going emotional roller coaster for the both of us. I bought her things, drove for hours just to be with her and she did nothing. I did everything for her, when she wanted to be spoiled I did it. When she wanted to be loved, I gave her attention but it wasn't enough. When she broke
up with me, I went into a rage. Time and time again another woman takes advantage of my good heart. I acted out in revenge. I became a person I didn't even recognize, I was frighting towards her and myself. I became one of those online psychos. It felt like two dueling personalities fighting me, one that is still the same noble and honest man I was then the other is a side of me I've never seen before, full of wrath, envy, aggression. I started acting out; recklessly drinking, sleeping with strippers, just this self destructive person. I could handle the separation but it was the feeling of being used, hurt, and taking for granted and thus treated like garbage after. I started drinking more and calling her until she threatened to call the police. I can't get her out of my mind, and I just want to move on. I want to get my mind right but this past mistake is killing that. I'm trying Christ and self help groups but it's still too difficult. What should I do to get this woman out of my head?


P.S I'm sorry this is long but I'm trying to change my ways. For good.

And this was my response.

You have some things going in your favor, and you can build on those to break yourself out of the situation you are in. you have enough insight to see both your own patterns of behavior, and those of the types of women you get involved with. That is the first step towards breaaaaaaaaaaking the haaaaaaaaaaabit tonight (sorry, I almost sounded like a Linkin Park song there for a second). First thing that helps is to not lose your sense of humor. Or if you have lost it, send out a search party for it. Life is too serious already without you making it more so.
Basically, you have four emotions that are running rampant in your psyche like rabid dogs; in fact it may help you to think of them that way. Mad, rabid Dogs named Rage, Envy, Hurt, and Sorrow. It seems that what happens is you let yourself be hurt. And yes, this is sometimes a conscious decision. Sometimes our hearts get broken out of nowhere, but you saw the signs, and you knew that this women, and women in your past were doing things to hurt you, but you stayed anyway. You probably have some Romasochist in you (see my latest post if you haven't already), which isn't awful, but is something you need to be aware of. Either consciously or unconsciously you attract or chose women who take advantage of your good nature. There could be any number of reasons for this, and until you figure out why this pattern is going to continue. You have to figure out why you continuously subject yourself to such torture. Do you have a "Hero" complex, in which you seek out damaged women and have the need to save them? Do you have low self-esteem and think that you somehow deserve the abuse you get from these women, or that you cannot do any better? Do you feel that you cannot or will not find a decent woman to be with? These are all questions that will take some soul searching and a good friend, relative, or therapist. You are doing the right thing by seeking help, but you have to know what questions to ask to get the right answers.
Your immediate problem though, is you have these Rabid dogs chewing on your heart and mind and you don't know what to do about them. You feel Envious, and you are overtaken with Hurt and Sad, which leads to Rage. And when you feel that Rage you don't care who you express it on. There is one more Dog in this Pack, and it's the Alpha, the Leader, and its name is Love. You, like most Romasochists fall in Love incredibly easily and hard and let Love rule you. Unfortunately, Love brings the rest of its pack with it, and that is where the chaos begins. So I say to you, Master your Love, and you'll master the rest of the Pack. Don't let your Love lead you into a situation where you'll be taken advantage of, and you will not have to deal with the rest of the dogs that follow Love. Even though Love is the leader, Rage is the most dangerous because it can turn inwards, and that is when you become self destructive. And you can only destroy yourself for so long before there is nothing left to break. First things first; get away from the stressors, get away from what's feeding the Rage, lock up your Love until your ego can heal itself. Right now you can't trust yourself to be with a woman because you don't know what is leading you into these poisonous relationships. Until you do, stay out of them. Muzzle your Love, and the rest of the Pack will follow suit. You can't think straight while you are still fighting the war, so take yourself out of the situation; cut off all contact with all women who hurt you, or who you have hurt; you don't want to add Guilt to your pack of dogs. Guilt will only make you obsess about the women even more, and that obsession is where a lot of the restraining orders and police activity stems from. And that is something we would all like to avoid, right?
The way to not be a Crazy ex-bf is to first, not be crazy. And the thing that makes most of us crazy is some kind of intense chemical reaction with the former object of our love. Cut that off, and the reactions die down, and sanity returns. Sometimes, you can never re-establish that contact. I have an ex that no matter how long it has been, when I see her I feel the insanity start to creep back into my brain. You have to consciously master your emotions, and save them for someone who is worthy of the Noble and Honest Man you can be. Those are the Dogs you want leading your Pack of Emotions. The second way to not be crazy is to not date Crazy… like attracts like, and Crazy girls will draw it out of you like putting a magnet on an Etch-a-Sketch pad. So if you want to move on you have to cut off the negative stressors from the past, even if they weren't all negative. Your personal growth is going to have to come at the cost of leaving some people in your past and locking them up there. You have your Hollywood Dreams; you still have YOUR LIFE TO LIVE. Write, go to writing groups, do things that will help you be the person you want to be, the person you know you can be. Do that and forget the women who want to tear you down and use you. When you heal yourself, you'll be able to see with clear eyes, and you'll be able to easily steer clear of the girls who are traps for your inner soul. You have pro-social factors in your life, support groups, God… go to them, leave the insanity behind, and you'll be on your way to being an ex-ex-crazy bf.
So yeah, I like this, it feels right for me. There's an obvious reason for that, but whatever. You have my contact information, and you can always leave comments, And as you can see, I am very enthusiastic about helping people with problems, so don't be scared, get things off your chest. As men we are so often made to feel like we should keep things in. That's why we occasionally go on shooting rampages. I'd much rather you email me instead.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Confessions of a Crazy Ex Boyfriend 8/13

Present Tense(ion)

For those of us who may or may not be affiliated with the “Crazy Ex-Boyfriend” demographic, one of the trials faced by such men is leaving the past behind. That is, in fact, what exacerbates the Crazy. The brain has a way of taking all of the good memories of the past relationship, making them seem even better than they were, and then mixing them in randomly with the comparatively miserable realities of the man’s present situation. The person almost always idealizes the past, remembering things to be better than they were, and forgetting the parts that were not so rosy. In some occasions, the past was actually rosy, and nothing was wrong; sometimes the man was the one who did all of the very bad things, and the woman was in fact pretty damn decent the whole time.

Obsession is the motor of any crazy ex, and the gas for that motor is living in the past. We all have moments in our life that we wish would never end. For some of us that wish is so strong that our minds actually make it a reality. Those moments literally do not ever end. The problem is, those moments are not always mutually valued. I remember specifically for me, there are some instances where I was with a certain person that meant more to me than they did to her, and that is what makes it hard to let those memories go. At some point there comes a reckoning, a moment when the man and women realize that they both have placed a significantly different amount of importance on a certain event or time in their shared experience. If it is the man who has exalted a time in the past, then he is not going to just let that go of that zeitgeist for anything or anybody. He becomes obsessed with making that moment in time be forever, whether the woman even believes that the “golden age” he is referring to ever existed at all or not. It is usually at this point that the man crosses the line into Crazy Ex territory, doing all he can to recreate something that has long since past, or never existed. Then come the restraining orders.

I personally believe that some of us, if our ego strength is not, well, strong enough, simply become only the sum of our shared experiences. What I mean by that is our Ego strength is similar to the main tent pole for our personalities. Our experiences are like the people who fill the arena underneath the tent. If that tent pole, our basic personality that should be stable over time, isn’t strong enough, and those people are really rowdy and drunk, eventually those experiences will break the pole and collapse the tent. Our personality then becomes entirely dependent only on our experiences. Since experiences, and our perceptions of experience, are rapidly changing and subjective, so too does the personality of that particular person become rapidly changing and prejudiced. Eventually the person who becomes the Crazy Ex, their subjective experience of the past becomes their objective reality. The person with low ego strength has based their entire personality and reality on positive shared experiences from the past that may have never existed. They CAN’T let the past go, because then there is nothing else left to hold up their tent, their psyche. Without their past, without the relationship they had, the Crazy Ex feels a complete loss of self. If there is no “them” there is no “him”. And the fact that the person’s ex is now denying that golden age and the concurrent present reality leads to confusion, frustration, obsession, and eventually, anger.

So, how do we untangle this Gordian Knot? The same way Alex did, we cut it. Cut yourself off from the past. One important step towards not being a crazy ex is to not think of yourself as an ex anymore, but to think of yourself as a person, whole and complete. And do not think of the woman you were with as your ex, but as a person you had some pleasurable memories with, but who, ultimately you could not be with in the long run. Do not let your emotions chain you to your past; don’t demonize the person who you were with, nor should you idealize her. She is a human being of flesh and blood, prone to mistakes and successes just like all of us. This is going to take some soul searching, and, most importantly, an accurate recollection of past events. The past is never how we remember it; if you don’t believe me, look up some studies about the reliability of eyewitness accounts. Our brains always twist the truth to make it a little more or less palatable to us. The point is that you cannot change the past, and like Michael McDonald says, things will never be the same again. That’s not to say your life cannot be better or worse, it just won’t ever be the same. Once you accept that, it helps towards letting go of the past. It hurts to let go of good memories, but you do not have to obliterate them; just put them where they belong, and stop trying to make them the present again. Disengage them from your waking present life and look towards the future. Concentrate on making more good memories in the future. Occupy your tent with hopeful, sober experiences, and that tent pole should get stronger and more stable, so the winds of change don’t blow it down again.

Friday, July 25, 2008


There are still romantics in the world; I should know I'm one of them. Romantics are a dying breed though. We are killed every day by assassination squads of cynicism, betrayal, denial and frustration. But some of us, the ones who hold onto hope against hope, still manage to carry the torch of the romantic. Some of us take it too far though; some of us are diehard romantics. Some of us are such diehard romantics that nothing can kill our spirits; nothing can make us drop our banner, even when we really should. I call those people Romasochists, because we hold onto our romantic notions unto the point of emotional pain. And yes, I have been among their number on occasion. And many of you have as well.

Romasochists first and foremost always believe in the Happy ending. They have usually watched too many movies on Turner Classic Movies for their own good. They believe everything that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have ever taught them. They know every line from almost every Jon Cusack movie you can name. Jon Hughes movies ushered them through many a hard time. As an aside, I personally believe that every single person who does outpatient mental health today in some part owes their livelihood to romantic comedies from the 80’s and 90’s. Those movies have given so many boys and girls such unrealistic expectations about the way relationships should be, and caused so much neurosis because of it, that I think we all would be a little poorer without those thrice-damned movies. I mean, come on, Pretty Woman? Really? This is what we, as impressionable human beings, are accepting into our romantic fantasies?

The inevitable outcome of believing too much in these fantasies is heartbreak. Repeated, inevitable heartbreak. Some people become bitter from this heartbreak and vow never to love again, to become crazy cat-ladies, or move out into the woods and live alone in a one room shack. But the ones who repeatedly go back for more are the Romasochists. This isn’t good for the psyche, like repeatedly smashing your forehead against jagged rocks isn’t good for your IQ. So, you are probably asking, how does one avoid, or in some cases stop, being a romasochist? Well, since romasochists are by definition passionate people, they tend to only engage in extremes. If they get hurt badly enough, they usually engage the other extreme and either become emotionless robots, or swear off love entirely. Neither of these approaches works, because eventually the rubber band snaps back, and we end not where we started, but someplace worse. The romasochist always falls in love again, only the next time the set point for love is a little lower because deep down we want it even more. We maybe successful in fending off most romantic stimuli, but eventually one will get through those white blood cells we developed to kill off any love bugs that come our way. The next time the Romasochist falls in love after a bad experience is likely to be far worse than the previous time, ostensibly because the stimuli will have to be far stronger to get through the thick scab of bitterness that the last disappointment left.

And so it goes. Love, Hurt, Reject, Repeat. Until we put the breaks on the entire process. The problem with this series of events is its rapidity. All of this happens so quickly that its progress generates a large amount of emotional friction, and we all know friction ultimately leads to fire. Problem is that fire doesn’t always end up in passion; it most times ends up in the person with the vulnerable heart just getting burned. So there are two ways to deal with this process, slow it down and reduce the friction. We can slow it down by doing just that; control the rate at which we fall for people. Put on the breaks. It may seem like an impossibility, but love at first sight, as I’ve covered in previous posts, is a myth, and you can take more than a few minutes to decide if you are meant for someone or not. That alone may help you avoid 50% of situations that would eventually end in heartache. The next thing is to lubricate the relationship so as to avoid friction. By this I mean when you enter into the preliminaries of meeting someone, don’t gush, don’t tell them everything about yourself, see if you are compatible, and even if things are going great, make sure that they go great at a slow pace. That way you cut down on friction and sparks. Do not invest more of yourself than the other person is. That is a sure way to get your heart broken.

No matter how conscientious you are about your relationships however, some are still bound to fail, and that is the real test; when you do everything “right” and still end up with a broken heart. That is when you rely on your friends to pick you up, dust you off, and get you back to your feet. Romance should not be a painful experience; if it is something is wrong, and chances are that something is not you. So do not take too much blame when things go wrong, and do not give too much either. Reduce the stress and strain of going between the extremes of love and hate by trying to maintain and learn from experience until the right one comes along. Try and accept what happened and make sure it does not happen again. Your Brain is your most important organ, but your Heart is your most important Muscle, so stop leaving it open to so much abuse. Be more careful and don’t play so fast and lose with your emotions Romasochists. At the end of the day, no one cares more about you than you do.

Special Crazy BF/GF Section
Unless you’re one of those like, crazy stalkers, then ignore all of this and when someone says no to you, just except it and move on. It probably is your fault. If there is a restraining order taken out against you, take a hint. If the person you love moves and doesn’t tell you, take a hint. If they call the police on you, take a hint. If you find that you have to threaten to kill you/him/her/all-of-the-above to get their attention, then give up and move on. In fact, never mind that, maybe you should try being single for a while… like 20-30 years.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

How to Save Your Life

Nobody ever really tells us this one. There is no pamphlet for it and no instruction manual. Some of us spend our whole lives trying to save other people, some of us see it as our calling, some of us make it our profession; our religion. And we become good at it, more or less, to the detriment of our own welfare. We learn how to save the lives of others, but every time we do we lose a little bit of ourselves in the process. Every time we acquiesce to the needs of another do we somehow lose a bit of ourselves, or do we gain something back from the act of giving?

Some people do, and some people don’t. But at some point, most people reach a point in their life where they look at their energy meter and see that it is on “E”, and that does not stand for “enough”. Sometimes you are just done; you have had enough, you are through, ready to throw in the towel. There are times when you feel like life has won, and you just want to give up. You fall to your knees and look up at the night sky, wondering why this is, this life, this everything so goddamned hard? All you want is peace, quiet, all you want is to pick the road less traveled, the silent path… But you cannot really, you have to keep on living… or do you?

At times like this, some of us, our thoughts turn to darker places. When we are sick of playing The Game of Life, there really is only one winning move, and that is not to play. Our consciousness begins to dwell on suicide, and some part of your brain, the part responsible for self-preservation, searches desperately for a lifeline, some single thread of light to shine through the opaque depression that covers you and everything you think and do. Because really, none of us wants to die; it is a conclusion we come to like question on a multiple choice test where we just want to pick “none of the above”. It’s like a wrong turn that leads to a dead end. Suicide is a 6-sided Rubix cube that has 8 colors. This is where our pedagogues and politicians have failed us; they have taught us everything; how to save and conserve every life but our own. What do you do when the person threatening your very existence is yourself? How do you do it, how do you save your own life?

First of all, you cannot save anyone else before you save yourself, and the first step is to never, ever give up on yourself. You may give up on everything else in your life, but never, ever give up on yourself. You may lose faith in every institution, every politician, every religion, everyone around you, but you cannot go on if you lose faith in yourself. You can’t ever escape yourself, so never let yourself down. No matter how much you drink, or how many drugs you do, you’ll still be there in the morning, unless you do so much that you find the cure for Living. But we are trying to avoid that, remember? So I say again, never give up on yourself. Some of you may not understand what I mean by this. Well, there is something of worth in all of us, something worth keeping alive, one little spark of light worth keeping alive. Most people have more than one spark, we have great big blazing fires of potential that are gradually buried beneath an inveterate deluge of shit over the course of months or years. Even the most stalwart of personalities can only take such a life for so long. Even if you are mostly useless, there has got to be something good about you. Maybe you’re dumb as a brick and have the personality of one, but you are good looking. Or you are devastatingly intelligent but also devastatingly hideous. That’s something. Find whatever that is about yourself and hang onto it, and make that spark grow, because I guarantee you somewhere, someone in the world needs that talent. Someone needs you and that ability you have. You just cannot give up on yourself before you find that spark and make it grow. And when you appreciate yourself, and your spark, others will see it to, and they will appreciate what you are and what you have become because you have recognized your own sense of self worth.

Through Hell and High Water, do not give up on yourself; bang your head against the wall, punch it till your knuckles bleed, but don’t you dare give up. That is how you stay alive. Some people say the only way they know they are alive is through pain, so they cut themselves; that isn’t pain. Pain is going through a whole MA program only to discover that you cannot get you license in counseling because of the wording of your Masters Degree. That’s more pain than any Emo cutter will ever know.

Real pain is loving someone knowing full well that they won’t love you back, but honestly and truly in your heart wanting what is best for them. That is pain. I don’t make it sound appetizing, this living thing, do I? Most of the time it is not. There is one reason, one thing that makes living worth it; perseverance. Proving people wrong, beating the odds and coming out on top anyway. Like Kanye said, “giving up is way harder than trying”. Become stronger from every defeat. Double your resolve every time someone tells you no. Do it again and again, harder, faster, better, stronger, until you can’t tell what’s your blood and what’s your sweat anymore. That’s the only way to get ahead in life, risking it to get what you want.

Life can be cruel, life can revel in the abject destruction of everything you have, and laugh at you while you try to pick up the pieces. Life can take your mother from you suddenly at the age of 23 with no warning whatsoever, and leave you with no reason to go on with your meager reality. But what can you do? Give up on the people who are counting on you? It may be easy to, they don’t know what pain you are going through, but can you give up on yourself? Can you give up on all of the promises and dreams you have had since you were a child? Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to make the best of your life, no matter how hard life fights you along the way? Fight back. You may not win the first time, or the 5th time, or the 60th time, but never let life beat you. If you take that approach, no man or woman will ever be able to sway you either. If you are constantly at war with the fates for your destiny, what does it matter what some guy or girl says about you? You do your best and leave the rest up to fate to decide.

Finally, not everyone in the world will be against you. Sometimes, you will be lucky enough to find an ally, a friend who believes in you despite the fact that you don’t. Hold onto these people as if your life depends on it, because it does. If you want to survive the low points in life, you have to have good friends. They cannot save you though; just like you cannot save them. But they can be the tools you need to help you save yourself, and that’s good enough. If you have yourself, and you really care enough about yourself, what you went through to get where you are now, and what your family did to put you where you are, you have part of what you need to save a life. If you have friends to look after you and pick you up and dust you off when you get knocked down, then you are damned near invincible. But the most important part is the belief that no matter how many times your face hits the floor, you can get to your feet and keep swinging. Life isn’t like boxing, it isn’t about how many times the wind gets knocked out

Thursday, May 8, 2008

5 AM

It's really the Nothing Hour. No one is awake who wants to be awake. Nothing good happens at 5 AM. No happy surprises happen at 5 AM. 5 AM is the point in insomnia where you are ready to strike yourself with a mallet in order to be unconscious. 5 am is the last bit of sleep before most people have to get up. No one is on Facebook, no one is on Myspace, no one is on LJ. It's so bad that even teenagers have torn themselves from the internet and head off to bed. Everyone but me. I'm here. I'm here, awake, taking care of emergencies, because like I said, no one who is awake now is particularly doing well. Not just me, there are maybe, I'd guess 10% of the population getting the world ready for the rest of you, taking care of things no one else in their right mind would do. 5 AM is when I update Exit Eleven the most. 5 am is when i usually send out my emails, so my sleep deprived brain is usually saying things that shouldn't really be said, but I am too tired to know better. No one likes 5 am, even those who like the sunrise, because the sun usually doesn’t officially come up till around 6. Trust me, I know. In fact, I'll go check right now, hold on...

Actually, it's a cloudy morning, so it looks like there will be no sunrise for anyone. It's actually... 6:12 am now, but I conceived of writing this at 5 am. The mind works slower at this time of day, if you can call it that. It truly is an ungodly hour 5 am, I don't know why they call midnight the witching hour. If I was going to do any evil, guess when I would do it. Who is ready to deal with anything at 5 AM? I guess there are good things that can happen at 5 am but one would have to work really, really hard at it. And I can't think of anything right now... why? Because its 6:15 AM, who can think at such an hour?

Monday, May 5, 2008

You know you heard me on the Radio

I don't know if you guys know, but I do a lot of different things. I write, I'm a screenwriter, I act, oh, and I'm on the radio. The show is called NONPRODUCTIVE and it is aired live Thursdays from 8-10pm on every week. If you miss it, don't worry, you can listen to the whole show on through their podcasting system. I'm not the Host, I'm really just one of the crew, the hosts are Frank, Sam Little and Lindsey, but I'm there, and we are all funny, so you should check it out. We do sketch comedy, talk, satire and variety. How can you pass that up?


Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Confessions of a Crazy Ex-Boyfriend

My name is John, and I’m a crazy ex boyfriend

(Hi John)

Now it was not easy for me to come to this realization, but events over the last year have made me see that a lot of my actions in the past have definitely been of the "crazy ex-boyfriend" variety. As sobering as this revelation has been, I have taken solace in two things; One, I am in no way the craziest ex-boyfriend out there, not by a longshot. I have heard some incredible insanity lately, from many different sources, and my conclusion is that as a crazy ex boyfriend, I was really pretty tame. And two, I am very confident that my craziness is in remission. I have consulted everyone from Buddhist scholars to Psychotherapists, and I am certain that I have learned from both my own mistakes and the psychoticism I have seen in others. My purpose in writing this article (and if it gets a good response I’ll write more) is to give women (and men for that matter) fair warning when their boyfriend is crazy, is going crazy, or will be crazy when they break up with them. I also am making myself available to give advice and answer questions about whether your significant other is batshit crazy. I suppose I should give you my credentials as a crazy ex boyfriend

One of the main behaviors of a crazy ex boyfriend is a escalating pattern of crazy behavior. That pattern usually escalates because of one thing and one thing only; attention. Crazy guys hate to be ignored, and they cannot stand the idea of their ex girlfriend “getting over them”. For one reason or another, guys like I used to be seem sweet and kind and generous when we get into a relationship, and we get used to the attention we receive from our girlfriends. But that can’t last forever. At some point we will become unsatisfied at one thing or another, and arguments will occur. In the case of my last ex, I was ambivalent about whether I wanted to date her or not, so she went out and got another boyfriend. That was rough, but it was not what sent me off the deep end. She then had the absolute gall to get over me! That’s what sent me into crazy ex mode. I started doing anything I could to get her attention. I did all sorts of romantic things like bring her flowers and send her cards, things I never did when we were actually dating. But she still didn’t come back to me. The more she insisted on not breaking up with her bf, the more desperate I became. Eventually I started fights just to make sure that she still had feelings for me, even if they were negative ones. Now mind you, I never did any of this on purpose; it was just what my crazy mind thought of at the time. I’ve heard of guys doing much worse, and better. My last ditch effort was putting a personal ad in her local newspaper declaring that I still loved her and wanted her back. That s the Light side of crazy. I’ve heard of guys threatening to burn their ex’s stuff, accusing their ex’s of cheating on them during their relationship, telling their ex’s that they never loved them, and just flat out looking for anyway to hurt them in order to elicit a response.

The worst thing you can do to a crazy ex is to ignore them. They always want you to be thinking about them, either good or bad. They want you to think that they will never get over him. They want to believe that they were the best thing to ever happen to you, and every piece 0f evidence that refutes that just feeds into the crazy. If you happen to be reading this and see yourself in it, trust me, you are not the best thing to happen to anyone. There are just too many people in the world for that to be true. Even if it is true up to that point, it is quite likely that some guy will come along who will be better, and most decidedly saner than you, so get over yourself. I had to, and that’s when I took one step towards being in remission. If you have any comments, you know how to leave them, but if you have any questions or need advice about a crazy ex-boyfriend, email me at Remember, it takes one to know one.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Stupid or Racist?

These are some comments about a Forum post I saw on Adult about the Boondocks cartoon show a while back. Now I know you should never get too upset over anything you read on a forum, but every now and then you see something that really burns your biscuits. This is what happened on my particular day...

OK. So I never really listen to the people who don't like Boondocks, because they are usually not Black, and therefore do not get it. Which is not to say that white people do not get it, because these forums are full of white people, and full of people who love Boondocks. What I hate is people who can't discern the purpose of what different characters in a show mean. For instance, on all in the family, Archie Bunker was a racist, but there were a lot of other characters on the show who disagreed with his stance on things. But a stupid person could look at the show and say since he was racist, the show is racist.

Now I personally don't feel that Huey is racist, because I agree with a lot of the things he says. Huey is just full of opinions, as am I. What people who are stupid don't see, is that Huey’s views often make it hard for him to enjoy the nice things in life. Maybe it isn't the stupid people's fault, Caesar hasn't been on the show. He is a good foil for Huey, and does his best to get Huey to Lighten up. People who think that Boondocks is against white people do not know anything about Black culture. The overwhelming theme of Boondocks on television has been that Black people are our own worst enemy, not white people. But stupid people would only see what their stupid, racist minds will allow them to see. I am at the point where I don't think I could be friends with someone who doesn't get Boondocks, because that means that they are not intelligent enough to understand what is going on, and I generally dislike stupid people, unless they are hot girls, but that's my own personal hypocrisy at fault there.

Basically, if you get Boondocks and disagree with a certain character's point of view, I can talk to you. For every opinion that is expressed on that show, you can find a dissenting one. In fact, Riley never agrees with Huey, and teases him mercilessly for his conspiracy theories. So saying that the show is one way or another is quite possibly the stupidest thing one can say. Though racism and stupidity often go hand in hand, because you have to be an idiot on at least some level to be racist, I believe that this particular topic was started by someone who is less racist than just a complete idiot.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

White People Be All Like Dis

Comedians have gotten a lot of mileage out of the whole white people do things this way, black people do things this way bit, and for the most part it ever gets old because we all believe it ton be true. I am a personal believer that perception equals reality, and what it is that we see and feel to be true about each other is only as true as we believe it to be. So stereotypes are only as true as they are believed to be, and as true as they are reinforced by their respective members.

I say all that to say black people and white people do things differently than Black people. Especially German people. Germans seem to be the Whitest of White people, the most ethnically Caucasian of the Europeans, the fount from which all honkiness flows. I thought it was just a coincidence that the person I knew who was most devoid of any brown sensibility was German, but then… then came Dirk Nowitzki. One person is a coincidence, two is a trend.

In basketball there is a practice called “popping your jersey”. It’s a simple little taunt done after making an especially important shot where the player takes the edges of his jersey across his chest, usually the part that has his team name or his teams home town on it, and “pops” it out from his chest. Easy right? Well, it is for the 90% African American NBA. but poor German Dirk couldn’t get it quite right. In his first game back after a major injury, he made a game winning shot with 9 seconds left to go. The opposing team (the Utah Jazz) took a time out and the arena exploded as the Dallas Mavericks were home for this game. Dirk had put his team ahead with a three pointer in transition, and to celebrate, he attempted to pop his jersey. Instead of doing what I described above however, he pulled the bottom of his jersey out of his shorts and yanked it down, as if he were trying to stretch out a too-short shirt. It was almost an “awww” moment because you knew what he was trying to do, but in his zeal and his German-ness, he got it completely wrong. He looked like an old woman having a hot flash trying to cool herself off.

It was then that I realized that no matter what, our actions were destined to provide fodder for race comedians for generations to come. As long as group A does what appears to be action B, and Group C does what appears to be action D, then stereotypes will continue to flourish. Does that them true, or does it just make the perception of said stereotypes true? I think the answer is the latter. We can fight it, try not to reinforce our stereotypes, but the fact of the matter is, everyone will subconsciously act the way they are “supposed” to act at least once in their lifetime, and chances are that one time will be in front of 1 million people of other races who will look at you and say “see, they’re all the same”. Just like I looked at Dirk and said “man, he is really, really white.” But there is nothing wrong with that. The problems come from ignorance and hatred of our differences, not from the differences themselves. Finding humor in our differences is not such a bad thing, it is better than, say, lynching each other for them, or say, doing things like not dating Black Guys because you are not Black. That is the wrong way to approach differences.

So yeah, the White/Black/Asian/Spanish people do things differently plot line maybe overplayed in comedy, but it’s still funny. And let us hope it stays funny, so that it does not become something darker and altogether more sinister.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Love: Weakness or Detriment?

People say love is a many splendor thing. I say it's a many splintered thing, as in the pieces of sharp wood that where stuck under the fingers of prisoners of war in Vietnam. Or as in the pieces of fiberglass or plastic that accidentally slip into your skin and are impossible to get out without digging into your skin with a sharp pair of tweezers. Love can be compared to not just splendor or splinters, but thorns, like the thorn bushes you trip and stumble into in the woods, causing you a million stabbing points of intense pain. Really, no one ever wants to be in love, which is why you "fall" in love, just like you "fall" into a trap. You can also think of love as something you step in or on, like a pile of shit, or an old rusty 12 in. screw that goes straight through your foot and shoots out of the top like a budding seed breaking the surface of the Earth.

My point is that being in love is detrimental and a handicap to anyone because of the intense pain associated with it. Anyone in love is at a disadvantage in life, especially if they are in a relationship. In any relationship, the person who is most in love is in the weakest position in any relationship of their life. The person who is less in love has all of the power, and they can command and control the other person because they do not need them to be happy or complete. They can toy with, fiddle with, manipulate and complicate the life of the person who loves them for no other person than they can. Anyone who happens to be in love is at a disadvantage; they are in fact, mentally handicapped. The only time a relationship is equally developmentally disabled is when both parties are equally in love which is why relationships like that are disgusting to see. Basically you are seeing two weak and disabled people engaging and enabling each others weakness. People who have had frontal lobotomies are in better control of their faculties than those who are allegedly “in love”.

In fact, these people are kind of like the retarded. And two people in love are like two retards in love; you stare at them, and in a way you're happy for them because they found each other, but in another way you're laughing because they're still just two retards tarding around together. It’s sweet but kind of fucked up as well. That's exactly how I feel about couples in love. And if you feel that as an insensitive statement, don't; that was actually way more insulting to the developmentally disabled because of me comparing them to normal people in love than anything else. I actually apologize to DD folks for comparing them to idiots in love.

In essence, Love is a fruitless endeavor, an intense weakness in character and judgment, and should be avoided at all costs. The more in love you are with a person, the more they own you, and the more of your soul they can manipulate and toy around with. Why do you think that when you break up with or are broken up with, you feel like you’ve lost a bit of yourself? It is your soul that’s gone, stolen by that evil force of malevolence called love. My research has concluded that you should never love someone more than they love you and least of all, more than you love yourself. That’s the easiest way to keep control of your soul, and never feel that emptiness that love can leave you with. The best way to live is to get people to love you, much like cult leaders do, because then you can get so much power over people that you can get people to kill themselves. Follow this advice, please; unless, you know, piercing yourself with rusty screws is what you’re into, and then have at it.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Commies Aren't Cool

You know I don't normally agree with anything a Conservative person has to say, but commies are indeed, not cool. Communism has killed almost as many people as Christianity has over the centuries, and Communism has only really been prevalent in the last century.

I read up on Che Guevarra, and he was basically the Osama bin Laden of the 60's and 70's. He wanted to foment Civil War wherever he went, in the name of Socialism. He is seen as a hero of the common people, and the class disparity in South America meant that he had many people willing to listen to him. The huge wealth gap in South and Central America today is why Che is still revered there. The problem is that most Civil Wars only end with the slaughter of those who they are ostensibly supposed to be helping - the poor and voiceless - and the people who win are generally as bad as the ones they replace. Much of the wrath of South American Revolutionaries is directed at the U.S., but the U.S. only screwed with South and Central America so much because of the Cold War. If Che and Fidel hadn't aligned themselves with the United States greatest enemy, then we most likely would have left them alone.

And for those who love Che, btw, he has said that he would have launched the nukes Cuba had against the United States. So if it were up to Che, none of us would be here right now. The man himself was less important than what was made of him postmortem. He became a symbol of revolution. The fact is none of his actual revolutions produced anything more than brutal military regimes. The only one that survived was Cuba, and that is due way more to Castro than Che. In fact, Che seemed to fail at his only chance to really be in charge of govt. in Cuba. His methods of violence were antithetical to a peaceful society, and in that way he showed more of a Stalinist nature. which we all know isn't good for anyone.

In the end Che is really more of a tragic figure than a romantic or inspirational one. Right now his image fuels capitalism in the form of Che merchandise, and how much of that money do you think goes to poor people in South America? Che is the Tupac Shakur of social revolutionaries, more important in Death than in Life. What he fought for was worth fighting for; how he went about it was wrong. Even Castro said that Che had aggressive tendencies, and his inability to work with others is what doomed all of his attempted revolutions. That's why the only place he was really successful was in Cuba, where he had Castro to temper his passion and ideas.

Author Christopher Hitchens, who was a socialist and a supporter of the Cuban revolution in the 1960s but has since changed his views, summarized Guevara's legacy thus: "Che's iconic status was assured because he failed. His story was one of defeat and isolation, and that's why it is so seductive. Had he lived, the myth of Che would have long since died." [stolen from wikipedia].

In the end, Capitalism isn't perfect, but there is not one Communist country in the world that is doing well economically, except for China, and China has more problems than you can believe, including intense religious persecution and more Civil Rights abuses than in all 8 years of Dubya's administration. Not a good track record for the Commies, but they kick ass at the Olympics

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

O.E. - Original Emo

First of all, R.I.P. to the NO-TO-RI-O, US, you were the Best. Christopher Wallace, May 21, 1972 – March 9, 1997.

Ok, that being said, let’s move on to this week’s topic. Emo Music seems to be a recent affliction, a plague that is being suffered only by today’s younger generations. But like most music, Emo existed in a purer, better form long ago when it existed under another name; Soul music. Sad love songs have been around forever, but I believe that the particular sort of woe-is-me genre of sad love song that typifies Yes, I’m not talking about punk music where Emo is generally thought to come from, the origin of super-sad love songs comes from the Soul music of the 60’s and 70’s. If you don’t believe me, I have some examples for you.
Let’s start with "Sideshow" by Blue magic, 1974.

"Let the sideshow begin (Hurry, hurry)
Hurry, hurry, step right on in
Can't afford to pass it by
Guaranteed to make you cry

See the man who's been cryin' for a million years, so many tears
(So many tears)
See the girl who's collected broken hearts for souvenirs
It's more exciting than a one man band
The saddest little show in all the land"

That’s just a small sample. If you listen to the whole song, you had better be in a pretty good mood or it will really get to you. This song is just sad for no damn good reason. It is especially horrific if you visualize a circus where people go specifically to see people who are horribly and irrevocably depressed and/or get off on the sadness of others. It would be like having tours of Psych Wards. Even I think that’s sick, and as you all know, I’m an immoral savage. Next up we have "Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles from 1967:

"Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Cos really I'm sad, Oh I'm sadder than sad
Well I'm hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad ooh yeah"

This one I’m sure we can all relate to, and it was written back in the 60’s. This is also what I consider to be one of the happiest sad songs ever. Seriously, if you haven’t heard this song, #1 shame on you and #2 try and sit still while listening. It has an incredibly upbeat and danceable rhythm to it. Just like the song, the happy music masks the sad content of the lyrics. The song has the added bonus of self-flagellation by referring to the singer as a "clown" for letting the woman go, and for playing the part of a happy guy while he’s a mental wreck inside. There is so much subtext to this song, it really is the ground floor of Emo. We like to think that everything great was made in the last 3 years, but it turns out that this just isn’t true. Let’s go to another heart breaker, "Cause I love You" by Lenny Williams, from 1975. The setup is pretty simple; man loses woman, who, apparently, he loves.

"And finally I went to bed, but I found myself waking up a few hours later
And the tears were running down my face
And my friend told me, he said, Lenny,
You just oughta forget about her
But I told my friend, I said, You know
Maybe you’ve never been in love like I’ve been in love
And maybe you’ve never felt the things that I’ve felt
But this is what I told my friend
I said, You know, sometimes you get lonely
You get lonely, you get lonely
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And I cry, I cry"

Not only are the words to this song powerful, and there’s a heart rending spoken part, part of which is quoted above, but the real emphasis is from the way Lenny sings it. You don’t feel like he’s singing a song, you feel like you’re watching a play, you feel like he’s on his knees in the rain and the woman he loves is on her porch in front of him shaking her head no. He is literally pouring his heart into the microphone and it was recorded. I personally doubt Williams sung this song more than once, because he lost party of his soul when he sang it the first time. I really think he put more into this song than he meant to. There’s a rare film of Lenny Williams attempting to sing this song, but only being able to croak out vague resemblance of the original version. I dare you to find a Deathcab for Cutie or Yellowcard song that elicits this kind of passion. You just can’t.
If you want more examples, email me. I can keep them coming The point is anything you like is probably stolen. And if you really like it, it was probably stolen from a Black person ;)

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

It's a Jungle Out There...

It’s gotten to the point in this world where online dating is just as bad as going out into the real word and doing the same thing. I am not sure why this is, but it has driven me to the point where I almost want to be in a relationship just so I don’t have to deal with having to find a date anymore. Thankfully, I work with married people, who strongly, STRONGLY encourage me to stay single as long as possible, so it all seems to balance out. But honestly, it seems that people are more paranoid about meeting people online than in real life, yet they engage in the activity of looking online more than looking in real life. For example, I wrote to one woman on OKCupid, who I actually had known in the past but lost contact with. I sent her two extremely friendly messages suggesting we meet for coffee; in broad daylight in a public place. There was not a hint of “lets meet in a deserted alley around 4 AM” in any of my messages. This was the response I received.


I appreciate your persistence and diligence in trying to make contact with me. However, I have to tell you that I am not interested in pursuing anything with you. I haven't responded to your messages, despite the many you've sent, because I was hoping I wouldn't have to say it outright - generally these things are communicated through more subtle means.

I wish you luck in your life and in your loves, but I don't have a place in either of those.



First of all, can I say how much I hate the "soft" rejection? Rejection is rejection, and no amount of sugarcoating is going to making it better. No one's feelings are going to be saved by being ignored, in fact, that feels 100x more painful, believe me. And women, for the love of God, PLEASE stop this nonsense where you think that ignorning someone communicates that you have said NO to them. You know what means no? NO MEANS NO!!! And don't give me the line that guys should get the point, because A. no one is a mind-reader, and B. for every girl who says non-communication should be a hint, there is a girl who says she is too busy to answer her emails and that people shouldn't be offended if they don't get an answer right away. Basically, for every excuse a woman can give for not being straightforward, there is another woman somewhere who can present the exact opposite argument. We as men (and even for women who like women) can't know automatically which is which so please, practice being straightforward. It is in everyone's best interest.

Now for the record, I sent this particular female 2 (two) messages, the second of which was a two sentence missive asking if she was well and if she had heard about my blogspot. That’s what prompted this telenovela-style “Dear John” response. Also, this same woman had no more than a week previously written a journal entry about how she liked to be pursued by men, leading one to think that she liked persistence. She forgot to mention, that she only likes persistence from guys she considers to be attractive and not from, say, me. Not that I am not attractive, I happen to know people who believe that I am… she just does not happen to subscribe to that particular philosophy. I'm fine with that, can't please everyone after all. I just hate the passive-aggressive way she went about it. I wasted time on a lost cause when I could have been writing or reading webcomics instead of writing to her. At least in a bar you don't have your rejection drawn out over a space of a few weeks.

I’m not really sure why this happens. I guess in some cases maybe I just have a mutant ability to pick crazy paranoid girls who freak out easily. It’s been brought up on several occasions that I may have a tendency to just subconsciously pursue women who will flake out extra easily. Some people have flat-out stated that I’m a crazy-chaser, but I don’t think that’s true. I have found that the more interesting a woman is, the more prone she is to have certain eccentricities, but that does not mean that I necessarily look for signs of personality disorders in the women I want to date. That’d be more psycho than anything. And even I’m not that crazy. Then again… the last girl I talked to on OKCupid went from wanting to date me to saying we could never talk to each other, and every spot in between, in the space of two weeks, so maybe I should lay off the “special” girls for a bit.

This does not just happen to men though, as I thought it did. I know exceptionally attractive and desirable women who get this same crazy illogical treatment from men on the internet, but I have a hypothesis about this. Men are lazy, barely evolved pond scum 80% of the time. The kinds of men that absolutely have to use internet dating sites are almost entirely of the pond scum variety. Now this type of man is usually only looking for one type of woman; dumb sluts. If a girl looks like she’ll be any type of work at all, then he is not interested. The first thing he is turned off by is intelligence, as he probably is not too intelligent himself. This man knows that any halfway intelligent woman will see right through his stupid lines and lame ploys, and that automatically is too much work for him to get the sex that he’s after. Basically this guy can look at a woman and tell if she’s gonna fall for his line of BS or not. He is easily intimidated by confident woman, and usually looks for women with low-self confidence who he knows will be easily impressed with a few compliments and a few drinks. Bottom feeders like this are equally dangerous because they make confident woman doubt themselves, when in reality those women should be glad they scare thee assholes away.

Some of these guys maybe actually intelligent, but these types are even worse, because they are incredibly picky and snobbish. They are the first ones to find any flaw in a woman (usually physical) and hold that against them. These douche bags will take any opportunity to make another person feel bad about themselves. I personally want to snap these guys necks with my bare hands when I see them in person, but since they know they are universally despised, they usually do their dirty work from the safety of the internet. They can get a woman’s hopes up by have coherent and attractive profiles, but then turn out to be the same kind of genital-inhaler as one would find in any bar at 2 AM. The only difference is that they have the internet to be able to reject woman to make themselves forget about their tiny pride and even tinier penises.

So what’s to be done about all of this? I suggest the neutralization of a major percentage of the adult population of the world, through perhaps a robot/zombie holocaust. It’s the only thing that will for sure keep men and women from hurting each other.