Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Unbearable Triteness of Beings

Let me start off by saying this.

I. Hate. Pink.

I always have. I don’t think there is anything good about her or what she does. Most of my distaste for her comes from the fact that she is just too damn ugly to be famous. I mean, I know plenty of attractive girls who deserve to be famous way more than Pink does. She’s just awful in the facial area. She looks as if a blind impressionist sculpted her visage. I disapprove of her and most of the things that come out of her mouth. Many of her “songs” seem to consist of yelling and pandering to tired fake-feminist themes that are guaranteed to sell because hey, who doesn’t like being angry and yelling about being spurned by stupid ex-boyfriends huh? Really, she’s the worst kind of garbage because she has absolutely no basis for having a justifiable opinion on anything, yet she feels the need to share her ill-informed and irrational opinions with everyone in the fucking world. Literally, she is a global cancer in this sense, harassing people in the United States, United Kingdom, and Australia. Her most passionate cause is animal rights, but unlike most animal rights activists she actually does other charity work for humans, and for this I must give her at least a little credit. She hasn’t abandoned her (presumed) race for another species, even though she obviously shares more DNA with a canid or, say, an orangutan than another Human Being.

One of the reasons that this chick gets to me so much, is that she likes to lay into people that I like, namely Beyonce and Kanye West. She had a thing against Kanye previous to the events of last weekend because he wears fur. Well guess what you half-chick, Cam’ron wears fur too, why don’t you go after him huh? Call him a piece of shit? Oh I know why, because Cam’ron and Dip Set will actually have her ass kidnapped in a basement in Harlem, never to be seen again. The point of the matter being that Pink only goes after “soft targets” like Beyonce and Prince William. Kanye, for all of his ego, is not and never has been a thug type of guy. He’s just not the beef-type who responds to perceived slights through diss-records and carries out vendettas through the media, no matter what people say about him. As jackass-ish as what he did was, you cannot say that he has ever made a personal attack against Taylor Swift or anyone, save maybe for George Bush, who really deserved it. The evidence is clear; for all of the many and varied insults she has hurled at him, he has said nothing in return. For what it’s worth, neither has Beyonce. I suspect though that Beyonce could care less about Pink, seeing as how B far outclasses Pink in virtually any and every category of measurable success one could think of.

I admit freely that I am biased towards Kanye, in fact I have stated many times that I am his biggest fan, in much the same way that “Stan” was Eminem’s biggest fan From an objective point of view however, the reaction to this event is all wrong. For one thing, Kanye interrupted someone else’s speech, did not insult her, and just said that B should have one. Now, upon further examination, it is no secret that Kanye looks up to Jay-Z like his big brother, so by extension it would make sense that he sees Beyonce as a big sister or at the very least sister in law. Who among you wouldn’t stand up and make a fuss if you felt that your beloved sister had been cheated? Wouldn’t you do it, especially if you were drunk and already prone to speaking your mind… no matter if it is appropriate or not… in any and all situations?
Secondly, and I won’t talk about this too much, but the man’s mother died 2 years ago, and let’s just say that it is still effecting him. Kanye was not exactly the most emotionally stable guy beforehand, and to lose such a central figure in his life, in fact, the central figure in his life so suddenly and unexpectedly sent him into a tailspin that he never has adequately dealt with. He admitted what I already knew, that he didn’t take any time off from working to adequately grieve, and all of that pain is going to come out somewhere at sometime. Believe me; I know this much is true.

Lastly, NONE OF THIS is as big of a deal as people are making it out to be. It seems to have sparked a national debate about whether manners are dead and about how Kanye is the rudest man ever. This of, course, is racist. I know people will say that I‘m full of it, but do you honestly think this would have gotten the same coverage if Kanye had done it to Ciara at the BET awards? Would you even have heard of it? You and I both know that the answer to that is no. I’m not entirely sure who Taylor Swift is or what she does, but I know what she looks like, and based on the fact that she is 17, and Beyonce is, well, B, I’m pretty sure that she has no business winning an award over B. That being said, she did win, and it is not the first time, nor will it be the last time some blond-eyed blue-haired girl wins an award over someone darker and more deserving.

What really burns me bout all of this is the public outrage. Much like the Michael Vick situation, people are showing much more anger and venom here than they do when actual human lives are threatened. I will never forget what happened in New Orleans, to me, it is just as horrible as 9/11, and that is why I consider Bush and his administration to be just as bad as those terrorists. They are just as responsible for the loss of several thousand American lives as Al Quaeda is. But I digress… the outrage over Katrina seemed muted and, let’s say, relegated to specific portions of the populace. The outrage over one entertainer embarrassing another has been far more vitriolic and incendiary. Once again, our priorities as a nation seem to be horribly skewed, and that is what makes me so angry. It seems like the most ignorant and ill-informed members of society feel the need to share their opinions in public forums the most often, which of course is why I started my blog. Pink firmly falls in the category of ignorant, ill-informed, and ugly. Sorry, I just can’t get over how hideous she is for a pop-star. I mean really, who dropped the ball there?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The White Girl Dance, Sex Offenders, Disney, etc…

It’s been a long time, I know, but yer boy is back, and I have a lot on my mind. For one thing, Disney bought Marvel. This isn’t exactly a surprise if you really think about it, and it may turn out to be a good thing in some ways. Warner Bros. and DC have had an agreement for years now that has worked out really well for them. All DC characters have had movies made by Warner Bros., which has resulted in a pretty standard level of consistency across all of their films. At least in terms of production values, DC movies have all been decent. It is a trait that Marvel movies, let’s just say, lack. Marvel movies vary wildly in terms of quality, actors, and production values, and with this merger that may change. Also, the major advantage is that different characters can be used in different movies with ease. DC could easily do a Batman/Superman movie because WB has the rights to both characters, but prior to today there could be no Human Torch/Spiderman interaction because different studios did their movies. Well, they could do a Barman/Superman movie if they could un-fuck themselves and get on with it, but that’s another rant for another day. Let’s face it; Disney has a shit-ton of money that they can put behind any of their movies. They could even get better people to write/direct all of the Marvel movies, so there won’t be such a disparity between oh, say, Daredevil and Elektra and Spider-Man and Iron Man. Of course, the negative side is that Disney is Disney, and the darker titles like Deadpool and Punisher are going to be sanitized, much to the dismay of all. But you all do not need to be too worried about that, because if I see it happen I will burn Disney to the ground with all of its employees inside. I think that’s fair, right?

Which brings me to Sex Offenders… what, that isn’t a normal transition for you? Well, this post isn’t going to be smooth, it’s going to be more like a taxi ride in Manhattan, so get used to it. Now where was I… oh yeah, Child Molesters. So, it seems that people have their panties in a bunch about sex offenders in general, and pedophiles and child molesters in specific. They are scared to death that “those people” will move in next to them, and menace their children, abduct them in the night like some kiddy-touching vampires, and abscond with them under cover of darkness. Well, that just ain’t the case. What I am about to say isn’t meant to alarm you, but in fact is meant to get you to protect your family in the most effective manner possible.

First of all, most kids who are molested are assaulted by people they, or you, know. So if all of these strangers you see on maps of sex offenders scare you, you actually should be more worried about the people you know who show an unusual interest in your children because, let’s face it, no one really LIKES your kids. You LOVE your kids, but let’s be real here, you don’t really like your kids. So do you think other people can tolerate the sub-human ankle-biters? I mean, they may think they are cute, they may like to play with them, they may even enjoy your kids company somewhat, but at the end of the day most people cannot wait to getaway from your little buggers. The great thing about other people’s kids are that they are OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS, and that when they need changing, or start crying, or start throwing ketchup on your brand new Ferragamo shoes, you can send those little f’ers right back to their parents and leave. That’s how the world works.

Child molesters and pedophiles want to stick around your kids and baby-sit even when they are colicky, or saucy, or nasty, or sick, or irreverent, or just plain being little pricks. That’s when you should be cautious, that’s when your Spider-Sense should be tingling. There are people who genuinely like kids and want to help them, but it is my assertion that everyone gets tired of kids eventually, and, given the choice, they would rather be doing something involving lubrication and nudity with another adult (or two) than be around kids. So, people, don’t worry about the sex offenders that have been caught, they are probably under surveillance: wonder about the one’s who haven’t been caught, the one’s that are not on the website… the ones you are related to, the friends of the family… In fact, just be aware of who the fuck is in your life. Megan’s law isn’t going to save your children, you are.

In the past few years, maybe I’ll say… ten; there has been a radical evolution in the White Woman… two in fact. One mutation has been the evolution of the white girl’s ass. Where previously the white girl’s ass was as wide and flat as the great plains of Montana, now you can find them with big, full bubble butts. Now granted, when I say “them” I mostly mean Italian girls, but there are exceptions. Every now and then you’ll find a Greek or Polish girl with a phatty that you just can’t ignore, but by and large, it’s the Italian girls who bring all the Black and Brown guys to the yard.

The more amazing evolution, however, has been the slow but steady ability of some white girls to be able to dance. And I don’t mean just move to the beat, I mean actually shake it like a saltshaker. Really, some of these chicks have rhythm, can move their hips, drop it like it’s hawt, the whole nine. It is really something to see. Now, this is, by no means a universal phenomenon. There are still white girls who seem to learn how to dance by studying old tapes of Elaine Benes from Seinfeld. I just cannot dance with those girls, as much as I would like to. People have to be in sync to dance together, in my opinion, and dancing with a girl who can’t ride da riddim, so to speak, is like trying to break a bucking bronco. It may sound fun hypothetically, but in practice it is in no way erotic. But that is not who we are talking about here, we are talking about those rare white girls who seem to have grown up Black and work a dance floor like they work a pole on weekends. I salute these women and wish that they would share their gifts and abilities with their Caucasian sisters. Problem is, a lot of those girls actually do work a pole… either a dance pole or… in another sense of the word… Really, if a few girls who can dance like this is good, than more are better, right? As long as you girls are at it, I will, free of charge, offer my services to dance with you. Nobody wants to dance alone right? Even Whitney Houston wanted to dance with somebody. Come one, come all, and trip the light fantastic with me, my Ivory Skinned Nymphs… you won’t regret it.