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How To Deal With Loss (of your team)

It's not like this hasn't happened before.

It's not like most sports fans don't know this feeling.

It's as if my neck was broken, I was shot in the stomach, and kicked in the balls all at once.

I have no idea what my physiology is going through right now, but nothing in my body feels right at this moment. Everything is clenching, straining, gurgling, and cramping.

But This isn't the first time I went through this, but for some reason this seems like the worst time.

Worse than 1994, when the Knicks lost to the Rockets in Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

Worse than the Giants loss to the 49ers in the playoffs in 2002 (which was incredibly horrible by the way.) I think this feels like that did, but somehow worse. That's bad considering this was a season game and that was a Post-season game.

Worse than 2005 when, at the first and only Playoff game I've ever attended, the Giants were embarrassed by Steve Smith and beaten 23-0 in the first round of the playoffs. That was soul-crushing.

Worse than my previous worst loss ever, the 2008 playoff loss to the Eagles. This was the year the Giants went 13-3 and seemed a lock to at least get to the playoffs. This also started the trend where, no matter how good they are, the Giants just could not beat the Eagles.

And now this. Today. December 19th, 2010, the absolute worst New York Giants loss of my lifetime. Mind you, the Giants lost a Super Bowl in 2000. That was nowhere near as bad as this was. I was a little indifferent about that year, I'm not sure why. This was just a regular season game. Yes there was a lot on the line, but it isn't as if the Giants are eliminated from the playoffs, or from playoff contention.

It's bad, and I'm sure most sports fans can attest to this, because it was a loss to Philadelphia, a place I absolutely cannot stand. Everyone has a city that they loathe; I happen to have two, Boston and Philadelphia. The Giants last Super Bowl win, spoiling the Patriots undefeated season, gives me a lot of closure with my dislike of Boston, because I know that grinds their gears. But Philly, the Giants have not beaten them in 6 games. Everyone has a city they hate, and a team they hate, and mine is the Philadelphia Eagles. When it comes to hating a team, it is usually more than just a matter of scores and stats. If you truly hate a team it is because of something personal. People who actively hate a team and city have had personal; experience with that team or city. I truly believe Brady hates the Jets, not because they're a division rival, but because he loathes New York City. People from Cleveland loathe the Steelers because they hate Pittsburgh.

There's no sense, no rhyme or reason to sports hatred. It is by definition irrational because lives do not actually depend on the outcome of the game, but many of us react as if they do. What I hate the most are people who dismiss the feelings of sports fans. “Oh it's just a game, you don't play for the team, why are you so upset?” I feel like telling people who say such things to eat a dick, but I don't because I know they just don't understand. A connection to a football team, or any team really, is visceral, emotional, primal. It's like a affective umbilical cord between one entity and a greater cause, a greater goal. It's the essence of “us vs them”, and the basis of telling oneself that the people like you where you are from are better than those people and the place where they come from. It's sociology, anthropology, psychology and familial love all rolled into one. So when something like this happens, when your “family” lets you down in such a shocking and disturbing way, the damage can be catastrophic.

Yes we go one with our lives; we go to work, to school, to church. We don't die with the hopes of our team, yet a small part of us does die. It dies because we detach some of our heart and give it to our team. And for that little bit of ourselves we expect a return on our emotional, and oftentimes financial investment. And when we are deprived of that satisfaction what to the outsider seems inconsequential, we rage, rage against the dying of the play clock.

Two hours ago I thought that I may have to give up following sports, specifically football. I am too invested I think, and my reaction to this loss was kind of scary. But right now I have realized something, this is a defining moment in a sports fans life. I firmly believe that you are not a grown up until you have your heart ripped out and stomped on by a member of the opposite (or same) sex. I think the same is true for sports fans. There are a lot of Yankees fans who didn't grow up until the Red Sox ripped their hearts out in the 2004 ALCS. I think this may have been my wake up call that Ii need to back up a little, lest I end up like those bitter insane Red Sox fans before they won the World Series. I need a catharsis yes, but I know that there are a lot of True Blue fans out there who are excoriating the Eagles and cursing the Giants with me, and for some reason that helps. I think the game that has threatened to make me quit the family maybe the game that cements my ties to the football community for the rest of my life. And that's how you deal with loss, curse scream, yell, but commiserate with the rest of your family. And just remember, eventually you will beat the Fucking Eagles.

New Stuff

I have two shows coming up in the near-ish future. The first is the Glorious (and monthly) Carnivalia! Carnivalia is a crazed Orgy of Burlesque, Comedy, and Magic! The perfect cure for Dark Winter days right? It's a celebration of comedy and sideshow peppered with burlesque held every last Tuesday of the month at Public Assembly in Brooklyn, NY. December 28th One is the next one, at 9PM.

Then January 15th I will be performing at StandUp-NY at 5PM. It's a Saturday show! For real! More details about that will be forthcoming.

Also I promise that I will write more. It's one of my 33 Year Old Resolutions.

Next Show!

My next show is at World Famous Caroline's! It will be an all-star show with lots of A-List comedians. Make reservations ASAP.

The Utter Collapse of Western Movies

To be honest, I'm not a movie person. This is not to say that I do not have movies that I like. I have a fairly large movie collection, full of movies you have never heard of or never seen. Most of my favorite directors are either dead or extremely elderly. Also, a lot of movies I like most people consider to be dreadful. I haven't seen many Hollywood staples like "Rocky" or "Top Gun". But even I have noticed that Hollywood is on a losing streak of unheard of proportions. This year has been one enormous yawn on the movie front. I can't remember a period of months when absolutely no big movies have come out. Think about it, have you really looked forward to a movies since Expendables/Scott Pilgrim/Eat Pray Love weekend? Absolutely not.

And we go. We still go. Well I should say you go, because I don't support that crap. The last movie I saw was "The American" which wasn't exactly a blockbuster. I know that it seems like a George Clooney Spy Thriller seems like it would be pretty damn hard to mess up, but they found a way. They did so by producing and directing the entire film in Italy, land of moody, morose, and macabre movies. "The American" will forever be known as the movie so moody they gave out Zoloft at the door instead of 3D glasses. That picture up there? Clooney is aiming for the audience's Joy. They chose to release it in the Summer, when people want fun movies! The damn movie started in the Winter! Any joy and good feeling the audience had when going into the theater was definitely assassinated by the time they left.

So what does Hollywood have planned to bring us back? Sequels out the ass. I for one am glad for the sequels because I would rather see that than take a chance on something, ahem, "original" from these people. And for me I see no difference between big studio movies and indie movies. At their heart most "indie" movies follow similar tropes just like the big movies do. Indies movies are all heart and emotion and guts and tugging on heartstrings. There are very few indie movies that are straight out action films, and I know you can say that that's a function of budget, but really that is just a cop-out. It can be done, see "Black Dynamite". As with everything connected with the film industry, the creative people just are not trying hard enough. I know people who are beginning filmmakers, so I am under no delusions about how difficult it is to make a movie. It's slightly less involved than planning an amphibious assault against an entrenched enemy fort. Still, whether the budget is $120 million or $120 every crew has a responsibility to the public to put out the best product possible, and that just isn't happening.

This has been a depressing movie year in many senses of the word. Along with "The American", the year started out with "The Lovely Bones". Anyone see that? Well don't if you are having a bad day. Or have children. Or ever plan on having children. The unintentionally funny commercials for "Extraordinary Measures", "I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK", got more attention than the movie did. "Repo Men" repo-ed the plot from a previous movie. "Kick Ass" made me angry and sad for reasons none of you will understand, and it just goes on and on. This was the Summer of disappointment and, except for Harry Potter, it looks like the rest of this year is going to be blowful as well. I wish that we would all just boycott Hollywood for a month. One month if we all got our shit together the quality of movies would increase substantially wouldn't it? Ah, it's fun to dream.

Endhiran Theatrical trailer

Asians Need to Be More Angry

There's a sight I've seen way too many times at comedy clubs lately, and I'd like to share it with you. Maybe I'm overreacting but it always helps to get a second opinion. I always cringe when I see Asian people sitting up front at a show because I know they're going to be in for a long night. Every comedian has a few go-to jokes when things aren't going well, or just to bridge the space between jokes. Some people go for fart jokes, and some work the crowd. Comedians know Asians are easy targets because A. everybody seems to laugh at Asian stereotypes, B. most Americans don't actually know anything about Asians or Asian Americans, and C. Asians never stand up for themselves. This never happens with Black people in the audience, unless the comedian is supremely confidant or supremely stupid. The average comedian won't just up and come after a Black audience member, especially if there are a lot of Black people in the audience because, well, we don't play that. We are known to destroy a persons whole character onstage, and sometimes continue it in the parking lot after the show. Seasoned comedians can insult a Black audience because they know how to temper their jokes with truth, or be somewhat self-deprecating at the same time. Above all else, a joke making fun of a Black audience has to be funny.

Too many times I've seen comedians make tired, old, cliche, unfunny jokes at the expense of Asians just because it is easy and because the people in the audience usually respond. I know for a fact that Asians, Indians, Africans, Latinos don't like being confused for one another. It's a sure bet if you call every Latino you meet Puerto Rican, you are taking your life in your own hands. But comedians, and people in general will often refer to every Asian person they meet as Chinese, which really pisses off anyone who isn't Chinese. Asians, like all other races, have their intra-racial stereotypes that cause them to like or dislike each other, and it's pretty insulting to just assume anyone Asian is Chinese, as China is not exactly the most popular country in Asia. Likewise, people who say "oh they're all the same" are just ignorant and useless. On this night in particular a couple of Filipino girls sat up front, and I felt so sorry for them, as many of the comedians used them for every Asian stereotype joke possible. They stoically sat there and took the abuse, but in the back I was angry for them. I have Filipino friends and a Filipino ex girlfriend, so I know a little about the culture. The comedian went on making stupid jokes about eating dogs and things like that. I was offended 1, because those are Chinese stereotypes, not Filipino, and 2, they weren't funny, just insulting. I always say, if you're going to be a racist, be an Informed racist. Have your stereotypes straight with your ethnicity. The #1 rule of making racist jokes is that they have to be more funny than offensive. As the night went on she admitted she knew nothing of them or their country (admitting to ignorance is a personal pet peeve of mine) and kept referring to them as "pinos" which I'm fairly certain is a racial slur. Other comedians came up and made comments making them out to be subservient Asian sex toys, talking about the, ahem, restrictive properties of their uterus and other things that I can only imagine were mortifying for them. All the while I became more and more angry because I thought about what it would be like if those were Black girls, even if that could and would never happen to Black girls. The mostly White audience, of course was eating it up, but I and many of the other comedians just seemed to feel uncomfortable. These were people who came out to an Open Mic and were being supportive, they didn't come there to be insulted. Especially not insulted in an unfunny way.

I feel I should say I am far from against insulting the audience, especially if they deserve it. I am all for making crude and offensive jokes at the audiences expense; this is something I hope to become better at myself. But I think that it should always be done with a sense of humor, and when those people go home they should remember the night fondly and want to come back another time, no matter how badly they got dissed. I feel like those girls had a horrible time, and I hope that they will look past that night and give comedy another chance, just not in the front row.
My point is, Asian people need to act a fool every now and then. Say what you want about Black people, but it's generally accepted that, much like Werewolves and Robert Bruce Banner, it is not a good idea to make us angry. I feel like if Asian people got angry more often, White people wouldn't take such liberties with your culture. I know it isn't very Asian to make a fuss, but there are plenty enough of you who are first and second generation Americans on the East Coast now. You are well aware of how to show your ass when somebody pisses you off, just like a Real American should. To be quiet and respectful is un-American. The next time somebody asks you if you eat dog, make them eat dog shit. The next time somebody asks you if you sucky-sucky, tell them to suck yo dick, bitch. The next time someone makes slanty-eyes at you punch them in the face repeatedly until their eyes stay that way. You have the inalienable right to be an Asshole like any other American, so use it.

Except for Indians. You guys are big enough Assholes as it is.