Why I Don't Want a Black Spider-Man

 Before I start, I feel that I should recognize that what I am about to write, were I reading it, and were it written by a White person, I would probably find racist. But since I am writing it and, despite reports to the contrary, I am not White, I know that this isn't racist. The truth of this discrepancy is something I should not ignore, but cannot account for. So I'll ignore it.

A few days ago (February 10^th) it was announced that Sony would be partnering with Marvel to include Spider-Man in the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe.) There was much rejoicing, as Spider-Man is integral to the story that Marvel seems to want to adapt from the comic books (Civil War.) This is also wonderful news. Spidey is kind of the center of the Marvel Universe. He lives by the motto “with great power comes great responsibility.” Not only does he live by that model, he tries his best to make sure that people around him own up to the responsibility their power confers, so by default he is the moral compass of the Marvel U. He is the everyman-superhero which is an oxymoron, but is also what makes him so compelling. I'm a fan.

Being a fan I was greatly distressed to see a bunch of articles posted mere hours after the announcement with titles such as “Enough Peter Parker”, “It'sTime for Donald Glove”, and, most horrifying of all, “Kill Peter Parker!” It seems that the internet hates Peter Parker! Why! I truly felt the need to #WellActually all these bloggers and inform them of the errors of their opinions (yes I know that opinions can't be wrong, but these guys are wrong.)

I saw several people on Twitter responding in a similar fashion, and as we all know, every one tweet represents 5,000 actual opinions* A virtual lynch mob has formed to get rid of Peter and replace him with Miles Morales. Let me say this; I hate the Ultimates Universe. Ultimates was a new line of comics Marvel started to tell what I guess were supposed to be “hip” and “edgy” versions of the existing heroes. I hate hip. I hate edgy. I like the things that I like, and I want the things I like to be like the thing I like. I am very consistent on this point; Transformers, Battlestar Galactica, GI JOE, you name it. All these reboots and hip, edgy versions of things I like that are almost entirely unlike the source material, I ignore. Dozens of people have tried to get me to watch BSG, or told me how great Ultimate Spider Man is; I don't care. It could all be the most amazing fiction ever, but it's not what I came for. Every effort to sell me on this new Fantastic Four movie has the opposite effect, mostly because their main selling point seems to be “It's entirely different from the FF you know!” Well... I like the thing I like... why would I like something entirely unlike the thing I like? I like Peter Parker, I like Spider Man. Making some cheap knockoff Spider Man isn't going to excite me just because he's Brown. If I am going to see a movie adaptation of something I like, it better be the thing I like, not some warped, twisted, approximation of the thing I like (I'm looking at you Michael Bay.)

One reason people use to justify changing Spiders is that his origin story has been done to death; on this point I agree. We get it, we know, no need to beat that particular horse again. In fact I've seen various reports that Marvel will jump right into a new Spider story sans origins, similar to what they did switching Bruce Banners. Bam, problem solved, and quite easily at that. No need to freaking murder the guy because of that. I know he's fictional. He's important to me. You will deal.

The second, and more emotionally charged reason people are pushing for the change is that we, as PoC (Persons of Color), would like to see a major superhero who looks like us to further the cause of diversity in fiction. Great. Wonderful. I'm all-in on that. But why do you have to sacrifice Peter Parker for this agenda?

The prevailing feeling I have received from reading these blogs and seeing the reactions on Twitter is that people want a Black Character, and Spider-Man is as good as anyone, because it will make a “statement.” I can tell that people who feel this way were never fans of the comic books. If you read Spidey like I did you would never want to just casually toss him aside in the name of diversity. Yes I sound like That Nerd because I am That Nerd. I am going to proudly and unashamedly be That Guy. I don't want Black Spidey because I grew up with Peter Parker. It is entirely possible that many of the White fans who are unhappy with these changes feel the same way. I mean, they can't statistically all be racist. Maybe some of us just want the thing we like to be the thing we like. People who have never been invested in the source material (a large portion of current movie fandom, for good or ill) are fine with making sweeping changes to characters that make no sense contextually. I don't want Black Johnny Storm. I want Luke Cage. Why in the blazes was Heimdall Black in the Thor movies? To shoehorn Idris Elba in there somewhere? Why couldn't he have been the scientist who befriends Thor, Dr Selvig? Why have him as a NORSE GOD. You know, I think I can deal with a lack of diversity in the NORSE GOD PANTHEON. It made no sense, and is the prime example of pointless pandering changes. (Please don't come at me with that “they're aliens” thing. Just... don't.)

The current trend is to cast PoC as existing heroes, which I am totally against. Don't get me wrong I do of course want to see more PoC in movies, but not like this. In fact this trend annoys and angers me. Making an existing character a PoC is not a victory and it is not progress; it is the laziest kind of pandering I can imagine. It is never and will never be permanent. If you think Falcon is going to stay Captain America then you don't read comics. No matter how PC people want to be he will never be Captain America, he will always be Black Captain America to the populace. Morales will never be Spider-Man, he will always be Black Spider-Man. Debbie will always be Black Debbie (OK, obscure reference there) but you get the point. No matter how good the intentions of the creative team, changing an existing character's race or gender does not achieve the intended goal. Marvel needs to learn from DC, specifically from Dwayne McDuffie (rest his soul.) He was a huge influence on DC's properties, and encouraged them to use DC's existing character's whenever possible. He was why the Green Lantern in Justice League was John Stewart instead of Hal Jordan.

I'm a big fan of this tactic. Creating new characters that are People of Color in important roles IS progress. They inhabit their own space and own their own story. Unlike a palette-swap character, there is none of the danger of them being retcon-ed away. This is the strategy Marvel should employ, and the strategy that we as PoC and women fans should encourage. Why insist on a Donald Glover as Spider Man when you're sitting on Don-Freaking-Cheadle as War Machine. He's ALREADY THERE. And he's a great character played by a legendary actor. They could tell some gripping, dark stories with War Machine. I'm fine with a War Machine movie with a similar mood and tone to Captain America 2. I mean, he's called War Machine.

The biggest reason why I'm against Ultimates Spider-Man and Fantastic Four is that they apply the dark, gritty, realistic crap onto movies that don't fit it. Spidey and FF should not be dark and gritty. They can feature those elements, especially with villains such as Venom and Dr Doom, but the titular characters should not be that way. I read about Miles Morales; that story's f***ing depressing. Spidey has been through some crap, but he doesn't let that define him. Morales back story sounds like an episode of The Wire. I'm good, thanks. There is also the fact that if they did introduce Spidey as Miles THEY WOULD HAVE TO DO AN ORIGIN STORY AGAIN. I could go on. Peter needs to stay Peter for the good of everyone. Miles will always be alternate universe Miles, which is fine. Marvel proved that it's the story that matters, and if they made Guardians profitable what do you think they could do with Peter? Diversity will happen, it just can't be shoehorned into places where it doesn't make sense in continuity or context.

AND why aren't people demanding Ms Marvel be portrayed by Kamala Khan!?!?!?

*May not be an actual fact.

The White Girl Dance, Sex Offenders, Disney, etc…

It’s been a long time, I know, but yer boy is back, and I have a lot on my mind. For one thing, Disney bought Marvel. This isn’t exactly a surprise if you really think about it, and it may turn out to be a good thing in some ways. Warner Bros. and DC have had an agreement for years now that has worked out really well for them. All DC characters have had movies made by Warner Bros., which has resulted in a pretty standard level of consistency across all of their films. At least in terms of production values, DC movies have all been decent. It is a trait that Marvel movies, let’s just say, lack. Marvel movies vary wildly in terms of quality, actors, and production values, and with this merger that may change. Also, the major advantage is that different characters can be used in different movies with ease. DC could easily do a Batman/Superman movie because WB has the rights to both characters, but prior to today there could be no Human Torch/Spiderman interaction because different studios did their movies. Well, they could do a Barman/Superman movie if they could un-fuck themselves and get on with it, but that’s another rant for another day. Let’s face it; Disney has a shit-ton of money that they can put behind any of their movies. They could even get better people to write/direct all of the Marvel movies, so there won’t be such a disparity between oh, say, Daredevil and Elektra and Spider-Man and Iron Man. Of course, the negative side is that Disney is Disney, and the darker titles like Deadpool and Punisher are going to be sanitized, much to the dismay of all. But you all do not need to be too worried about that, because if I see it happen I will burn Disney to the ground with all of its employees inside. I think that’s fair, right?

Which brings me to Sex Offenders… what, that isn’t a normal transition for you? Well, this post isn’t going to be smooth, it’s going to be more like a taxi ride in Manhattan, so get used to it. Now where was I… oh yeah, Child Molesters. So, it seems that people have their panties in a bunch about sex offenders in general, and pedophiles and child molesters in specific. They are scared to death that “those people” will move in next to them, and menace their children, abduct them in the night like some kiddy-touching vampires, and abscond with them under cover of darkness. Well, that just ain’t the case. What I am about to say isn’t meant to alarm you, but in fact is meant to get you to protect your family in the most effective manner possible.

First of all, most kids who are molested are assaulted by people they, or you, know. So if all of these strangers you see on maps of sex offenders scare you, you actually should be more worried about the people you know who show an unusual interest in your children because, let’s face it, no one really LIKES your kids. You LOVE your kids, but let’s be real here, you don’t really like your kids. So do you think other people can tolerate the sub-human ankle-biters? I mean, they may think they are cute, they may like to play with them, they may even enjoy your kids company somewhat, but at the end of the day most people cannot wait to getaway from your little buggers. The great thing about other people’s kids are that they are OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS, and that when they need changing, or start crying, or start throwing ketchup on your brand new Ferragamo shoes, you can send those little f’ers right back to their parents and leave. That’s how the world works.

Child molesters and pedophiles want to stick around your kids and baby-sit even when they are colicky, or saucy, or nasty, or sick, or irreverent, or just plain being little pricks. That’s when you should be cautious, that’s when your Spider-Sense should be tingling. There are people who genuinely like kids and want to help them, but it is my assertion that everyone gets tired of kids eventually, and, given the choice, they would rather be doing something involving lubrication and nudity with another adult (or two) than be around kids. So, people, don’t worry about the sex offenders that have been caught, they are probably under surveillance: wonder about the one’s who haven’t been caught, the one’s that are not on the website… the ones you are related to, the friends of the family… In fact, just be aware of who the fuck is in your life. Megan’s law isn’t going to save your children, you are.

In the past few years, maybe I’ll say… ten; there has been a radical evolution in the White Woman… two in fact. One mutation has been the evolution of the white girl’s ass. Where previously the white girl’s ass was as wide and flat as the great plains of Montana, now you can find them with big, full bubble butts. Now granted, when I say “them” I mostly mean Italian girls, but there are exceptions. Every now and then you’ll find a Greek or Polish girl with a phatty that you just can’t ignore, but by and large, it’s the Italian girls who bring all the Black and Brown guys to the yard.

The more amazing evolution, however, has been the slow but steady ability of some white girls to be able to dance. And I don’t mean just move to the beat, I mean actually shake it like a saltshaker. Really, some of these chicks have rhythm, can move their hips, drop it like it’s hawt, the whole nine. It is really something to see. Now, this is, by no means a universal phenomenon. There are still white girls who seem to learn how to dance by studying old tapes of Elaine Benes from Seinfeld. I just cannot dance with those girls, as much as I would like to. People have to be in sync to dance together, in my opinion, and dancing with a girl who can’t ride da riddim, so to speak, is like trying to break a bucking bronco. It may sound fun hypothetically, but in practice it is in no way erotic. But that is not who we are talking about here, we are talking about those rare white girls who seem to have grown up Black and work a dance floor like they work a pole on weekends. I salute these women and wish that they would share their gifts and abilities with their Caucasian sisters. Problem is, a lot of those girls actually do work a pole… either a dance pole or… in another sense of the word… Really, if a few girls who can dance like this is good, than more are better, right? As long as you girls are at it, I will, free of charge, offer my services to dance with you. Nobody wants to dance alone right? Even Whitney Houston wanted to dance with somebody. Come one, come all, and trip the light fantastic with me, my Ivory Skinned Nymphs… you won’t regret it.