That Time I Was Black-shamed at Work

So there I was...

I work at a a part time office job. I don't have a lot of other Black coworkers, which doesn't really bother me because that's been my life and I know how to blend. I'm very Suburban. I've stopped saying that I have “White” traits, and instead I have Suburban traits. I realized recently (it shouldn't have taken me this long) that being Suburban is not tied to being White, and I should do stop perpetuating that line of thinking. There are plenty of Black people from the Suburbs, there are entire towns of Black Suburbs. You should see my Whole Foods!

So like I said, me and this girl rarely work together, but every time I do work with her she always has something slick to say about our backgrounds. At first I thought I was imagining it, but I soon realized that 1. there was definitely shade coming out of her towards me every shift, and 2. she had no idea she was doing it. First there was the religion talk; she's very religious and talks about it fairly constantly. When I told her I wasn't religious, there were judging looks, but I let it go. I thought we should be friendly, and I'm not about workplace drama. Then there was the day she was talking about her lineage. She knew all about her background and ancestors. She stated to me, repeatedly, how HER family were NEVER slaves. I said I don't know much about my family past my great grandmother. She was incredulous that I didn't know more, again repeating that SHE was NOT descended from slaves. I told her that it seemed like she was judging me about that. Even my White coworker said something about her insistence on that point. She denied it. I let it go.

Yesterday was the last straw. I go in, friendly as can be to everyone, including her. Again, I try to foster some kind of office-civil relationship. I was looking through Facebook and saw a funny Color Purple meme (the details are irrelevant, but trust me, it was Hilarious.) and I show it to her. She laughs, I laugh. Pleasant moment right? She then proceeds to explain TO ME the joke that I HAD JUST SHOWN HER. She literally asked me if I knew that it was from “A movie called The Color Purple.” At that moment I had a moment of clarity where I realized she had been what I can only call Blacksplaining* things to me from day one. She was constantly explaining Black culture to me, a Black man. I told her point blank to stop doing it. She didn't feign ignorance; her ignorance was quite genuine.

I make jokes about being White all the time, but they're MY jokes about ME. That is not license for others to do so unless we are good friends; me and her are definitively not friends. When other people make inferences or statements about my Blackness I get REAL serious REAL quick. She kept laughing and smiling and saying she was sorry. I told her she wasn't sorry and that I was offended. I said it three times, and each time she said “Ohhh, don't be offended.” I was clearly offended, which she should have recognized because it's not a common feeling I feel in my feels. It's incredibly hard to offend me, so when I am, I don't let it go. Still, she was laughing and asked for a hug. I told her to back off. I told her she's been doing this from day one, trying to make herself feel like the Superior Black Person at my expense. Her apologies were both condescending and belittling at the same time. She kept trying to explain herself, and I had to, again, repeatedly, ask her to stop because she was just digging the hole deeper.

First she said that she thought she had to explain to me the joke I had just showed her like I was one of our White coworkers. I asked her why she would think that. She said because I have worked in places with a lot of White people. Like the place we were currently sitting and talking in. The job she had actually had longer than I have somehow imparted Whiteness onto me and not her. She was flustered by now, and kept laughing and said something about me growing up in the Suburbs. She is from Philly, and I grew up in Woodbridge, NJ.** I guess that made her more authentic than me. Except for right now she lives a town a few miles from me IN A MUCH NICER AREA THAN I LIVE IN. At this point the irony was strangling me. She kept trying to convince me that it was all a misunderstanding, a joke. I was not laughing. Kept asking if I was offended, and I kept saying yes. Kept saying it wouldn't happened again, and I told her that it would because she had no idea that she was doing it and, I believe, did not even understand what she was doing wrong. The condescension in her eyes was still there. After several more insulting comments she left, but the insult stayed with me. It's still with me today.

It is ironic that as I am writing this there is a discussion on Twitter about Black nerds being bullied in HS. I was never bullied, but I was, I guess mocked is the best way to describe it. I was mocked by White kids, but it didn't matter because I felt intellectually superior to most other kids. Their words meant nothing to me. Yeah, I know how it sounds, but it saved me years of therapy. When I went to school in a different town were there were other Black kids, the mocking was more hurtful because I was so happy to be around more kids who looked like me, and they were not happy to hang around me. Yeah it hurt, which is probably why I'm still sensitive about the subject. Thankfully as I got older I met more Black people who accepted me for who I am, and I thought that part of my life was over. Imagine my surprise when now, at the ripe old age of 38, I still have to deal with judgment and people policing my Blackness. It had become so rare that I thought maybe I had imagined it, maybe I was being oversensitive, but no. This is a real thing and it has to stop.

I've seen that some people deny this happens, or tell people to just get over it. Having core pieces of your identity questioned by the very people you identify with is not something one just gets over. In fact, it's time we as Black people and American culture in general stops blowing off other people's feelings and experiences. I'm not saying spill your emotions all over the place, have some dignity for God's sake. I'm kidding mostly, but invalidating the feelings of someone who is opening up about a subject important to them is a major dick move. As I've said, this is a sensitive subject to me, but I can't imagine any Black person would respond positively to this treatment. Likewise, blaming everyone for the actions of a few is weak as well. In fact the reason this is bothering me so much is that I thought I was done with having to deal with this stuff. I don't really have a point, or a conclusion or anything. Just, don't be the dick that does this to other people.

*I looked up the internet definition of “Blacksplaining” and was horrified. For the purposes of this essay “Blacksplaining” is when one African American condescendingly explains a part of African American culture to another African American.

**Exactly what it sounds like. A collection of the most average suburban sprawl towns you could imagine.

African American Patriotism

It is hard to be a patriotic African American these days. With Team USA playing Belgium later today in the World Cup, there will be an exciting show of patriotism from Americans all over the world. My favorite part of this world cup has been #BlackTwitter showing it's Red, White, and Blue pride. I really thought I was the only Black person who liked America for a while. I've been very vociferous about my allegiance and love of my country, and because of it I've been subject to criticism and mockery, which has come in two forms.

My girlfriend and I often get into heated discussions about absolutely nothing. Recently I was espousing why I have a bit of a loathe-on for Europe, Nutella, and Soccer, not necessarily in that order. I spoke about why I dislike the French as a concept, a nation, and a national team, when she made the observation that on this subject I sound very nationalistic, like a Republican. This statement angered me greatly for two reasons; 1. I despise Republicans and 2. she was right. One of the biggest tricks the Republican party ever pulled was complete and absolute appropriation of Patriotism. In the 10 years post-9/11 conservatives all over the country made it seem like if you did not support them and the “War on Terror”, you were worse than a Communist. To this day it seems nearly impossible to be proud of the United States without sounding like a gun-toting toothless redneck, or Ann Coulter. Worse they blurred the lines between patriotism (pride in one's country) and nationalism (a belief in the inherent superiority of one's country over all others.) Patriotism leads to awesome photoshopped pics of Abraham Lincoln riding a bear with an eagle on his shoulder. Nationalism leads to World Wars. It's a simple, but vitally important distinction.

I blame the Democrats for this. Were they not so spineless as to let conservatives appropriate patriotism it would not sound so weird when I talk about how rabidly pro-American I am. Even in my own head when I talk about views that I’ve held my entire life, it sounds funny. When I talk about how I love America I feel like Rush Limbaugh has hacked into my thoughts and is using me as a mouthpiece. It's a terrible feeling because one should never have to feel like a fat, slimy, conservative radio talk show host just for loving their country. Being a patriotic Liberal feels strange because of the company it puts you in. We've grown to expect a certain amount of xenophobia and flag-waving from conservatives, but not from a Black Liberal from the suburbs of New Jersey.

In the last week another phenomenon has presented itself to me that has made me question my patriotism. As I've said, watching the World Cup and being on Twitter has been nothing short of spectacularly entertaining, especially when the USA is playing. The memes and comments from #BlackTwitter have been awesome. But another faction has reared it's head lately, a faction I've seen referred to as #HotepTwitter or The Fun Police. Basically it's a group of Black people who like to remind us that hey, the US Government hasn't always been so kind to Black people. Ya know what? I'm aware, thank you very much. I never try to defend the US because a lot of what the US has done is indefensible. The very reason I am here typing this blog is because of kidnapping, rape, torture, and slavery. However, the reason why I am able to sit here and type, the reason I can read and write and hold an advanced degree and earn money and walk around in public with a girlfriend who is not Black is because of African Americans. The reason why most of us can enjoy and complain about our #FirstWorldProblems is because of African Americans. As much as we hate what some Americans have done TO us (as Black people) we have to love and respect what other Americans (African Americans) have done FOR us.

I'm patriotic for many reasons, the first and foremost being that I am as American as it gets. Physically speaking I am most definitely of African origin, there is no getting around that fact. And I wouldn't want to honestly; I love being Black, it's arguably the greatest thing about me. Beyond those physical traits I am in no way African. For one thing, I can't trace my lineage to any specific African country (for obvious reasons). I don't have an African language or culture to investigate and learn about. Like most African Americans my roots probably go back to West Africa, but beyond that I cannot say. But I am most definitely American. I have an American mindset and the American superiority complex (augmented by my NJ superiority complex, I'm damned near insufferable.) I am overly proud of where I come from. I'm what the terrorists hate about us. I love excess and dreaming big and shooting for the stars and every other cliché you can think of. I am consumerist and love money and things and freedom of speech. I read the Bill of Rights and the Constitution for fun. As Denis Leary said I love football and porno and books about war. I like girls in bikinis and action movies were there are more bullets fired than words spoken. I HATE NUTELLA. I like violent cartoons. I like muscle cars that have 400 hp and get 15 miles to the gallon. I like engines the size of a 1 bedroom ranch house. I do not truck with the metric system. I buy most of my shirts from Wal-Mart and, for the most part, I don't care about soccer. FOOTBALL is FOOTBALL and futbol is soccer. That's the way God and Man intended it to be. I am American. I am a proud resident of New Jersey, and for me to try to claim otherwise would be fraudulent.

I believe to be Black in America and to distance yourself from that is an insult to the generations of Black people who fought and died for all we have today. Our ancestors did all they could to make sure that their children would have a better life than they did. The reason you as an African American can voice your opinion and have the freedom to leave the country if you want to is because of Black people. We built this country and today every single one of us, from Barack Obama to Lil Wayne benefit from this. Our blood, sweat, and tears are intractably enmeshed in the colors of our flag. I feel that to disavow what America means to me is spitting in the face of every Black person that died to make this country better for Black people. We've fought in every war this country has been in. We have been a part of every branch of government (that bastard Clarence Thomas, unfortunately, counts.) There would be no American culture if it wasn't for us. As much prejudice and discrimination as we face, this is still our country, and that only serves to remind me that this American Experiment is not done, and that this generation needs to do its part to make this a better country for Blacks just as my parents and grandparents did. It's a flawed, bloody, dirty, excessive, racist, prideful, sinful country, but it IS our country. We fought for so long to be recognized as citizens, and now some Black people want to reject this gift that we've been given. What a slap in the face of those who went before us. So yes, today I Believe That We Will Win. Because I'm a proud 'Merican and that's what we do.