Fight on, NJ

Let me know if you see anyone familiar in this: Garden State Variety Presents: The Adventures of @DonCoyote

Click the link silly.


I should update this more often.

The Decepticomics NYC Comedy Show

“The most wickedly Hilarious crowd-pleasing comedy show since Martin and Lewis!” - AARP Magazine*

“The Beatles of Comedy! I mean there are more than four of them, and one's a woman. We just like to say that everything is the Beatles of something. ” - Rolling Stone*

"A fast, furious, and ferociously funny farce of a show in the conventional culture of The Comedians of Comedy.” - Alliteration Magazine*

“Unholy. Blasphemous.” - Christian Science Monitor*

DeceptiComics Comedy Show returns to New York City, NY on Thursday April 26th at the Parkside Lounge located at 317 East Houston Street, New York, NY 10002. Show starts at 7:30pm sharp and admission is $15 at the door, $10 in advance at http://decepticomics-nyc.eventbrite.com

Online Ticketing for Decepticomics NYC powered by Eventbrite

The Decepticomics DMV Comedy Show

“The most wickedly Hilarious crowd-pleasing comedy show since Martin and Lewis!” - AARP Magazine*

"A fast, furious, and ferociously funny farce of a show in the conventional culture of The Comedians of Comedy.” - Alliteration Magazine*

“Unholy. Blasphemous.” - Christian Science Monitor*

DeceptiComics Comedy Show invades the DC are on Saturday, June 9^th at the Varsity Lounge, 8601 Baltimore Ave, College Park MD. Show starts at 8:30pm sharp and admission is $15 at the door, $10 in advance. Click below for more details.

The DeceptiComics are five malevolent comedians, brutal, merciless, and hilarious. Their purpose, to conquer and destroy audiences with brutal wit and deadly punchlines. They are driven by a single undeviating goal: total domination of the entertainment universe. In the war that rages between staid, boring comedians of the past, and the newer, sleeker, more technologically advanced DeceptiComics the DC are will serve as the next battle ground.

*Magazine Quotes may not be accurate. Or factual. Or real.

Online Ticketing for Decepticomics DMV powered by Eventbrite

Goodnight Coon: a racist vignette for children

Listening to some Coon tune
There in the old projects
and some grimy-ass goons
and the chatter of...
Trannys in bathrooms putting on their costumes
And there were three dope boys makin all kinds of noise

And Basketball Wives living shame filled lives
And an African louse who beats up on his spouse

And some Henny and Juice and a bowl full of kush
And a ton of used condoms, hidden under a bush

Goodnight Coon Goodnight Coon
Goodnight useless baby-daddy who doesn't wake up til noon

Goodnight ho's you'll be pregnant soon
Goodnight dope boys, Goodnight Noise

Goodnight Jakes in the Taurus, Goodnight Pimp named Horace

Goodnight crackheads cookin rocks on a Spoon

Goodnight louse, goodnight battered spouse

Goodnight Tyler Perry, and goodnight kush

Goodnight used condoms, goodnight bush

And goodnight to Tyrese who can misspell the word “hush”

Goodnight candy-colored cars, goodnight White people they scare

Goodnight Coons everywhere

A Blog About Nothing

God. There is nothing, as some of you know, that can put the fear of God into a person more than a blank piece of paper. These days for most of us that blank piece of paper has been replaced by the blank screen and the blinking cursor which, for some reason, is even more daunting. A blank piece of paper can be filled; it is finite. It has an end. If you fill up the entire front and entire back, that's all there is. And once you have filled that page, you have defeated it, defeated that small suddenly insignificant piece of used-to-be-tree. But on the computer screen, the word program is infinite. I suppose you could write a word document so enormously large that it would literally take up all of the space on your hard drive, but that is a bit unrealistic. Even if you just put a paperweight on the keyboard, it would be ages before you filled up a word document. And THAT is what is so scary. You cannot beat the page. You can only fill it and then, right there waiting for you is another bright, clean, empty screen. Taunting you, mocking you, daring you to come at it with everything you have. And if and when you do? There's another page. Like a Hydra, endlessly attacking you with space to be filled.

I have forgotten how to type. Not that I ever really was a good typist. Not even mediocre. I am using my two index fingers to type this, and am looking at the keyboard. I have typed this way since the first time I really had access to a computer, when I was 17 years old and a freshman at Penn State. That was 16 years ago, and I still type as well now as I did then. Skills plateau, I guess. I type fairly fast, but since I am looking at the keyboard I have no idea what I am typing, or if anything I am typing is being spelled correctly. Spell-check is my friend. It is a wonder anyone can spell anymore.

Typing is an issue, but writing had never been. I have always been a writer. Since the first time I started reading when I was 4 or 5 or whatever, I wanted to write. My mind was full of ideas, good ideas, great ideas I thought, and I thought that they should all be written. I would write, and people would read what I wrote and tell me that it was good, that I was talented. But I didn't believe them. I thought, rather oddly, that they had just never really read anything good, so what I wrote must have seemed great to them. It wasn't that I did not, or do not, believe that what I had written was good, I just... I'm not sure actually. I had the same problem with women actually. When I read things that I wrote years ago, things that I forgot that I had written, I always think “that was pretty damned good. I'm a great writer.” I have always been my biggest fan.

Women have loved me, and I have never, ever understood why. I have good traits to be sure, but enough to be loved? I never could logically figure out how a woman could fall IN LOVE with me. I'm a great guy and fun to be around, but love requires more I should think. I know each and every reason why I have been in love with the women I have been in love with. Some of those reasons were sick, twisted, and wrong, but at least I knew it. For some reason, I am incredibly and indelibly enamored with women who lacked, shall we say, sanity. Thankfully I only actually dated one such woman, but I often found myself chasing the craziest bitches you could imagine. Sluts, whores, bipolar-borderline personality types, cutters, criers, moody semi-psychotic females all had my constant attention. It did not help that the crazy girls where often the hottest ones. I think there is something about being beautiful that makes you crazy. And, as many people have observed, being crazy usually makes people pretty damned creative, or at the very least fun to be around at parties. Being Hot makes one fun to be around at parties as well, but it does not necessarily make one creative. Now if a girl was creative, sexy, and crazy? I was hopeless. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I am still hopeless. The only thing that stops me from still chasing crazy bitches like dogs going after cars is that I have the scars to remind me what happens when I catch them. Basically any time I got too close to a woman, well the effects were very similar to what happens when a dog catches the car; the car is fine but the dog ends up mangled. And boy have I been mangled.

Which is not to say that I am perfectly well myself. I am in fact crazy as well. The specifics of which are not important, but yeah I am crazy too. I think it is why I like crazy women, like really does attract like. Well, at least they attract me; I only attract them so much as they really like to be my friend. Which I suppose is fine, unless one really wants to have sex with someone who does not sleep with their friends. Then it is nothing but frustration. Sexual frustration is one of the worst types of frustration, other than vocational frustration. Sexual frustration is the hardest to truly satisfy because its satiation depends entirely on someone else. Some of us are much better at convincing others to have sex with us than I am. I am still, even at the age of 34, shocked when a girl agrees to have sex with me. I guess it's a great feeling. As a psychologist, I usually know what someone is going to do or say in any general situation, but I never, ever can figure out when a woman likes me until her hand is on my dick. Then I have a clue. One of my favorite moments in life is the very first time a woman spreads her legs for me. It is such a rapturously joyous occasion, I wish that Hallmark made cards to thank women for letting me see their vagina. It really is that great. Straight women and gay men are missing out. It's a little like... a little like when you're playing a video game, and you meet the one Boss character that whips your ass day in and day out for a week straight. Then finally, one fateful day, you figure out the proper strategy and you win the stage. Triumphant music plays; experience points are gained; gold is earned, and all is right with the world. Until you start the next stage that is.

I often wonder what it is like to feel sexy. I have no idea. This is no remnant of low self esteem that has stuck with me from my childhood, I honestly have never known what sexy is. I have felt confident, funny, powerful, in control, in charge, scary, neglectful, morose, intimidating, frightening, rageful... but never sexy. I mean, I think I know what sexy looks like, or at the very least I know what women generally find sexy and it never, ever looks like me. I know a lot of people find the Tyrese types sexy, and though I can match the skin-tone I am a far cry from the physique. Women think Ryan Gosling/Reynolds is sexy, but I'll never be able to be that white, at least not physically. People think David Tennent is sexy, but I will never, ever be that thin without losing some of my skeleton. Also, my hair will never do what his does, which is why I cry myself to sleep every night. I know that a couple of my girlfriends found me incredibly sexy, but it was through no fault of my own. I think that's what is most bothersome about the notion of sexiness for me, it's not a tangible thing I can work on and improve. It's easier for women, men are simple creatures. Find something good about your body and personality and accentuate it. My body and personality are constantly in flux, so what do I nail down and say it is exactly sexy? What do you do? What does anyone do? Sexiness, people tell me, is like being cool. The less you think about it the more you exemplify it. Is that true? Could it possibly be true?

I'm drinking. Not how you think though, it is a glass of V8 Splash, some kind of berry flavor. There is a shot of rum in it, but only one. I'm showing restraint. The words are flowing more freely now, more freely than they have in a while, but I am sure it has nothing to do with the sugar and food coloring and fermented whatever that constitutes rum. It is, more likely, because I can't think straight. ADD is wonderful for the creative process because it makes it impossible to not see an issue from every angle. Sometimes I think my greatest gift is being able to see a problem from many different points of view, a trait that people call empathy. I am quite empathetic. Too much so. In thinking of other peoples feelings I often neglect my own, and when I neglect my own feelings, they slink off into a corner and begin plotting malevolent selfish plans on their own. After that my subconscious convinces my waking mind to do something unspeakable under the pretense of helping, or sparing someones feeling. I really do understand all those sayings about doing evil in the name of good, sayings which often take the form of “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, or some variation thereof. Considering the heathenish things I do fully aware of the ramifications, and the bad things I do in the name of good intentions, I am doubly destined for Hell, if there is such a thing. I gave up on being religious long ago. I knew myself, and I knew I would never live up to any religions standards of goodness.

So here we are, some of the pages of space and time filled up with thought. If you have read this far and are wondering “what is the point of all this”, I regret to inform you that there is no point. No, wait, there is; the point was to see if I could still write, if I was still capable of forming coherent thoughts and sentences and putting together something people would read. I have written down every thought that I had in the last two hours, and you, for some reason, read it. I find myself as curious about why you would read this as I am curious about why I wrote it. I am writing this to myself, and hope that when I read it it offers a little glimpse into the mind of the writer, and offers some understanding where before there was none.

The DeceptiComics Comedy Show

See what these publications may or may not have said about The Decepticomics!

“The most wickedly Hilarious crowd-pleasing comedy show since Martin and Lewis!” National Geographic

“The Beatles of Comedy!” - Rolling Stone

It just may kill you with laughs. A fast, furious, and riotously funny farce of a show in the tradition of The Kings and/or Comedians of Comedy.” - ELLE Magazine

“Insanely funny.” - Christian Science Monitor

DeceptiComics Comedy Show premiers in New York City, NY on Thursday February 9th at the Parkside Lounge located at 317 East Houston Street, New York, NY 10002. Show starts at 7:30pm sharp and admission is $15 at the door, $10 in advance.

The DeceptiComics are four malevolent comedians, brutal, merciless, and hilarious. Their purpose, to conquer and destroy audiences with brutal wit and deadly punchlines. They are driven by a single undeviating goal: total domination of the entertainment universe. In the war that rages between staid, boring comedians of the past, and the newer, sleeker, more technologically advanced DeceptiComics the Earth city of New York will serve as the final battle ground.

Cerrome Russell, born and raised in Sumter County, GA, started his comedy career 10 years ago while serving in the United States Marine Corps. He was first exposed to a broader audience as a cast member on the 2nd Season of BET's popular prank show Hell Date. He has traveled extensively, performing at college campuses and military installations worldwide. Truthful, country and off-center Cerrome Russell's comedic style covers a wide range of

Dillon Stevenson is a comedian and writer based out of New York City. He’s performed stand-up at New York Comedy Club, Comix, Broadway Comedy Club and Gotham Comedy Club and other venues in NYC. As a co-founder of the comedy group G.R.I.T.S. he’s written, directed and performed in sketch shows off Broadway & at benefits and events throughout the city. As a lifelong performer in commercials, short films, television & stage shows, stand-up is where Dillon found his place after graduating from St. Johns University with a bachelor’s degree in communications. With microphone in hand (a light saber would have been preferred ) Dillon is taking the New York comedy scene by storm. 

Mike Brown is a comedian and writer from Harlem, New York. He’s performed at Caroline’s Comedy Club, Stand Up NY, Laugh Lounge, EastVille Comedy Club, and other venues all over New York. He also hosts events, including one at SUNY where he did a pretty awesome job. Really! He knows that because 128 audience members became his Facebook friend afterward—and we all know how hard it is to get Facebook friends. Mike has a reputation for doing comedy absolutely anywhere; comedy clubs, cellars, bars, basements, gyms, laundromats, churches, colleges, condos, backyards, front-yards, attics, living rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms, Bed Bath and Beyond, funeral homes (to liven things up), mobile homes, retirement homes, wherever. And for the record, Mike Brown loves comedy much more than writing about himself in the third person.

John Minus is a comedian, writer, and all-around great guy who lives and breathes his home state of New Jersey. He has been described as having a sense of humor “darker than his skin” by racist comedy critics. He refers to his style as “Tragi-Comedy”. John opened for Robert Klein in October of 2011 in Cherry Hill, NJ. John spoke with Mr. Klein after the show, and was informed that he was not at all horrible. So, he continued his fledgling comedy career nonplussed, no pun intended. He is willing to do anything and everything to be entertaining, up to and including dropping his pants at a moment's notice. He doesn't need to do that, he just likes to. Eschewing traditional Black Comedian tropes, John has never dressed in drag. Well, rarely dresses in drag.

Tickets are $15 at the door, $10 when purchased in advance. Advance tickets can be purchased on Eventbrite.com.

The Decepticomics Comedy Show is an Exit Eleven Production. Lineup subject to change without notice. For more information go to facebook.com/AlterNegro, or http://ExitEleven.blogspot.com

The August Non Pro Comedy Show

Sunday, August 28, 2011, 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM at Tobacco Road, New York, NY


It's August and it is Hot. Really Hot. Slave hot. Apartheid hot. What do those things mean? I do not know. As blistering as it is however, the Non-Productive Comedy Show will be hotter than a London car fire, believe it! Yes cats and kittens, the rebirth of cool movement is going strong, are you jumping on-board yet?
Hosted by comedian John Minus and blogger N'Jaila Rhee, and backed by the comedy network Non-Productive.com, the retro comedy show with sex appeal will be at its explosive best this month. The formula is simple: take two terrifically sexy hosts, add 8 of the best looking and most hilarious comedians in New York City, sprinkle liberally with Pinup girls who may be enticed into disrobing at any given time, and give away some free stuff, including a bottle of Nude Vodka. We have it down to a science here, the science of putting on a great show!

The Show will be taking place at Tobacco Road, 355 West 41st Street, New York, NY 10036. General Admission is $5, but there are buy one get one free tickets available for those who order them in advance on EventBrite: http://bit.ly/pjx4WQ. Street Parking is free in Hoboken, Jersey City, and New York City. Tobacco Road is easily accessible by both the PATH trains and any Subway that goes to Times Square (which is only one stop uptown from Penn Station).

Non-Productive Comedy Show comedians have always been top notch, and this month is no exception. We have:

Jessica Delfino – A multi-talented singer, songwriter, and comedienne based in New York City, her songs (dubbed Dirty Folk Rock) tend to ridicule taboos and include jokes about vaginae, weird sexual topics, and other fun stuff. In her act, she plays an assortment of instruments including guitar, flying V ukulele and a rape whistle. Find her antics at http://jessydelfino.blogspot.com/ and follow her Twitter.com/JessicaDelfino.

Derik Boik – According to his website www.DerikBoik.com, “Derik began performing stand up in 2004 after winning a comedy contest at the Gypsy Comedy Club in St. Augustine, Florida.” He started out winning! He will have the home field advantage as he hosts a weekly open mic at Tobacco Road on Wednesday night. He is also a terrible racist. Meaning he is terrible at racism. You can follow him at Twitter.com/DerikBoik

Rashad Bashir – Barely wet behind the ears comedy-wise, Rashad has taken the city by storm, even finagling his way onto the NPCS once before. He greatly impressed the audience with his geek-influenced comedy, and will be the first person to ever be on the show twice!

Helen Hong – From her website, www.HelenHong.com, “Helen Hong is a comedian, TV host, matchmaker, and star of Logo Channel’s reality dating series 'Setup Squad.' Helen’s adorable stage presence and mischievous point of view have landed her on The Huffington Post’s Favorite Female Comedians list and a profile in The New York Times.” Relentlessly funny and not afraid to get her material dirty, Helen will make you an instant fan. Follow her on twitter at Twitter.com/FunnyHelenHong.

Brandon Collins – Brandon is great at making GRITS but he has no problem cooking on his own either. A member of the groundbreaking sketch group “GRITS Comedy,” he also does his own brand of intelligent and incisive stand up comedy. Brandon has already appeared on the NPCS as part of GRITS and tore the house down, look for him to do the same in this show. See some of his great performances at GritsComedy.tumblr.com

Adam Cozens – Another comedian who made his way onto a previous NPCS unexpectedly, Adam made such a great showing we had to have him back for a full set. Prolific and insightful, you can see much of his work and material at www.AdamCozens.com Go to his site, really, we are not kidding about the prolific part, and all of it is funny! You can follow him at Twitter.com/Adam_Cozens

Sharron Paul – There is very little that Sharron doesn't do when it comes to comedy. She hosts and produces comedy shows, and is a very talented and impactful stand-up comedian as well. That is another way of saying she is funny as heck. She prides herself on her realness, and this is what she will be bringing to the NPCS. Check out her comedy on www.CheapDateComedy.com, and youtube.com/Sharronica.

Jay Welch – Jay sometimes tells jokes where even he only marginally knows what he is referencing, but still you will laugh all the same. Marvel at his beard while he comically works you over with jokes that you thought you weren't smart enough to get. An every-man’s comic, Jay connects with all types of audiences and leaves them tears. You can't actually say you've seen comedy in New York City until you've seen Jay, and here is your chance.

Hosts:

John Minus – John is willing to do anything and everything to be entertaining, up to and including hosting a comedy show in drag and dropping his pants at a moment's notice. He doesn't need to do those things, he just likes to. Originally a writer, John has recently branched out into hosting his own podcast called the Alter Negro Sho on www.Non-Productive.com, and producing and hosting the Non Productive Comedy Show. He writes everything from editorial blogs to fiction of every sort (from action to comedy to erotica), all of which can be found on his blog http://ExitEleven.blogspot.com. John can be contacted at (908) 812-8612 or at JohnMinus@non-productive.com.

N'Jaila Rhee – She is the author of www.BlasianBytch.com, where she interviews interesting and hot (in all senses of the word) people in the adult industry. She also writes comprehensive adult toy reviews, humor articles, Geek-interest posts, and original erotica stories. We still are not sure how she got into comedy, but she is also the co-host of the Alter Negro Sho with John Minus.

The Non-Productive Comedy Show is an Exit Eleven (http://ExitEleven.blogspot.com) and Non-Productive Network (Non-Productive.com) production. Lineup subject to change without notice.