Risk of Dating a Negro, 2008

This is the new version, updated for 2008. Some things have changed, but some things stay the same. Many people are unaware of ways to tell if they or a loved one are at risk for dating a Negro. Here, as a public service, I provide for you 10.

1 You’re A White Female, Especially Italian, With a Big Ass.

As always, the reasons for this one abound. Especially since Ice-T has his white girl with a big ass, not only is such a woman sexually desirable, they are also seen as a status symbol. There has been much speculation that CoCo T has Ass Implants (honestly, who was the first person to ask for those?) but the effect on the imaginations and libidos of American men has been unmistakable. Witness the popularity of Kim Kardashian, Jessica Biel, and (thick) Britney Spears. They were always thick, but their Hollywood managers wanted them to hide it. These same Hollywood types occasionally make Beyonce lose a lot of weight so that she can be more appealing to white moviegoers, which is absolutely ridiculous because it’s pretty certain by now that all men like curvy girls anyway.

For some reason, and the hypothesis out there are numerous to be sure, the I-talian women have rear ends that draw black men like moths to a flame. A white girl with a big ass is like chocolate and peanut butter; two great tastes that go great together. At this point you are at risk simply because of the enormous volume of demands for your attention. Unless you have a personal bodyguard, any appearance in a mixed or, God help you, hip-hop crowd will have you drawing a crowd like a Black man at a routine traffic stop. Honorable mention; the Latina’s butt, the Polish girl’s butt.

Rule-outs: Here we will rule out the wide, flat butt, as no one likes a two-dimensional ass.

2 Good “ratio”

The ratio I speak of is waste-to-hips, and is closely related to number 1. Although for some reason the white girl with the big ass is most preferable, any girl who has a positive WtH ratio is fair game to the Black man. For instance, if you have 24 inch waste and 42 inch hips, you might as well start picking out names for your future mulatto children now. Again, the overwhelming volume of offers of love, money, and affection will wear down even the mightiest will.

Rule-outs: There aren’t very many rule-outs here for a good Ratio, unless, you know, she has a developmental disability or something… that’s just wrong. Also, rule-out Indian girls, for even though you may find one with a Good Ratio, chances are her parents would disown her for dating a Negro, and let’s face it, Indian girls just aren’t rebellious enough to risk getting cut off from their parents money.

3 Excessive BET Viewing or Hot 97 Listening

Look, Black people don’t even watch BET excessively. If you or a loved one is watching more than 4 hours a day of BET, then going Black cannot be far off. Actually, now that I think about it, my brother watches a lot of BET. This concerns me and I’m trying to get him into treatment for it. But in any case, if you are anything but Black and you watch a lot of BET… You are gonna date a Negro.

Rule-outs: If you’re doing this for research for a paper on screwed up gender roles in Hip Hop.

4 Tupac

Tupac is a definite risk-factor for dating a Negro. If you find that you have a definite appreciation not only of the man, but if his message and his music, this denotes two things: 1. you most likely harbor a deep attraction towards African Americans, and 2. you have just enough white, liberal guilt that you feel the need to make up for slavery with oral sex. I, personally, commend you on this act of reparation.

Rule-outs: Maybe she just really, really, likes his lyrics. Yeah, right…

5 General Rebelliousness

Do you have staid, conservative, stick-in-the-mud parents? Nothing will put a bug up their ass faster than bring Tyrone from Marcy Projects over for Christmas Dinner. And I’m not talking about a Sidney Poitier “Guess Whose Coming to Dinner” cultured African American either. For maximum effect, have him bring one or more of his “baby-mommas” over, if applicable. If your Black BF/GF is an upstanding member of society, he or she can always have a more uncouth sibling and/or cousin stand in to gain the necessary pants-wetting effect from one’s parents.

Rule-outs: If the subject has to chose between Tyrone and having her parents cut off the payments for her new Jetta, bye-bye Tyrone.

6 Jewish Rebelliousness

Do you have staid, conservative, stick-in-the-mud Jewish parents? Well, nothing will put them off of their Matzah faster than bringing LaDanien home for a nice Passover dinner. The only thing that will twist your mom’s panties tighter than bringing home a Gentile will be bringing home a Gentile Shvatza! Oy vey!

Rule-outs: Same as above.

7 Previous History

Say it with me, “Once you go Black, you never go back.” Actually, statistics prove that up to 20% of those who go Black do indeed go back. Still, if your subject goes Black 3 out of 4 guys, then that’s a statistically significant percentage of times gone Black. Trends like that do not just reverse themselves.

In a longitudinal study done by the University of Wisconsin, it turns out that previous studies about how many people go back suffered from Validity and Reliability errors. In their new double-blind cross cultural study, it turns out that the actual percentage of those who do go back is closer to 15.35%, which is still statistically significant at an Alpha level of .1%

Rule-outs: Some of those who go Black one too many times end up getting the shit kicked out of them by an irate baby-momma. That significantly reduces the likelihood of going Black again.

8 Substance Abuse

Do you or someone you love have a very large Marijuana habit? Do you have a tendency to listen excessively to Snoop Dogg and Cyprus Hill songs? Combined with certain aspects of number 4 and you have a sure-fire Negro-Lover.

Rule-outs: The Grateful Dead/Phish dirty hippy marijuana abuser avoids Negroes like the plague, because they know we absolutely hate White people with dreadlocks. Drives us mad. They also avoid the Police for that matter, and by the Police I do not mean the band lead by Sting.

9 Social Influence and Naming

Where you the only white kid in a sea of Black faces growing up, and consequently, is your snowflake of a daughter named Shaniqua? And now is she the only White girl in a sea of Black faces? Do you really think she’s going to go out of her way to find the only other White person in the school to date? No. If the subjects entire peer group that she socializes with regularly is black, and her friend’s call her “White Chocolate”, and most of your friend’s are Black, there’s virtually no chance that your gene pool is going to stay melanin free for much longer; that is, if it has stayed so already. You might as well invest in some Magnum condoms for her now… “just in case”.

Rule-Outs: If said “White Chocolate” speaks hip-hop very well, is immersed in Black culture, but hasn’t actually spoken to a Black person face to face in 3 years, then the likelihood of dating a Negro is similarly low. Such “suburban hood-rats” can be tantalizing to the average Black man, but they usually turn out to be no more than teases who appreciate everything about Black culture except for actual Black people.

10 First Contact

If you’ve been sheltered your entire life, cut off from any “negative influences” and somehow, somewhere you come across the first Black man in your life… in person? Well, everyone has an attraction to what’s new, mysterious, and exotic. It only takes a few right words for that exotic man to have that girl exploring his exotic penis.

Rule-outs: Some women have never been exposed to Black men for a reason… Say, they believe we are all gun-toting rapists and murderers. Now, I wonder where they would get that idea? *coughFOXNEWScough*