Sunday, November 25, 2012
**SUNDAY COMICS**Sunday December 2nd (MY BIRTHDAY!!!) - 136-138 Valley Road, Montclair, NJ 07042 8pm
**DECEPTICOMICS BROADWAY SHOW** Friday December 7th- Broadway Comedy Club 318 W 53rd St New York, NY 10019 10pm
**COMIX AT FOXWOODS**Wednesday January 2nd- 350 Trolley Line Boulevard Mashantucket, CT 06338 (860) 312-5050 8pm
Friday, April 13, 2012
What I will do here is propose a method by which Gotham City can be saved without Batman, and all it will take is a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist, and a Plastic Surgeon. Now, these three individuals will have to be at the top of their fields, but I am confident that they could greatly reduce the number and frequency of villain-related crime in the City. I will demonstrate my hypothesis using some of Gotham's most notorious infamous villains. This is what the good people at Arkham Asylum should be doing, instead of... well whatever it is they are doing.
12 - Baby Doll – Mary Dahl
Case History - Baby Doll is not one of the more famous Batman villains, but she is definitely one of the more tragically violent cases, and so definitely belongs on this list. Her name is Ms. Dahl, and she found fame as a child actor on a popular sitcom 20 years ago. Unfortunately she has a condition known as systemic hypoplasia, which caused her to stop physically aging during the show's initial run. Now as an adult she still has the body of her Baby Doll character. If you were 30 years old and everyone treated you as if you were 5, you'd snap, which is exactly what she did. She experienced a psychotic break in which she assumed the persona of Baby Doll, an emotionally regressed and volatile personality. Imagine a person who knew how to drive and use guns, but had the impulse control of, well, a 5 year old. Dangerous right? She attempted to kill the entire cast of her old sitcom, as well as several other people who have gotten in the way of her Id-driven alter ego. She developed a near fatal crush on Killer Croc, and has a lethal bodyguard named Miriam, whose martial fighting skills are on par with Batman's.
Treatment Plan – Ms. Dahl would first be best served by seeing a psychiatrist to deal with her mood instability and frequent breaks with reality. Suggested Meds; Risperdal, Seroquel, Abilify.
Suggested Therapy - Cognitive Behavioral therapy is recommended to help Ms. Dahl deal with the realities of her existence, identify faulty cognitions (shooting people is not an effective way to get what you want), and return to her efforts at living an adult life despite her condition. And there you have it; no more Baby Doll and no more Batman getting pistol-whipped by a 5 year old.
11 - Killer Croc - Morgan
Case History – He is a very large, very angry, reptilian man. That's about it. Due to his deformity, Mr. Morgan (his only known name) likes to rob, steal, grift, lie, extort, and basically commit all manner of crimes throughout Gotham City. He exhibits extremely hedonistic behavior, and has little regard for the lives or interests of others. Naturally a person of this stature is bound to run into Batman again and again, and Mr Morgan often comes out on the losing side of these confrontations.
Treatment Plan – Mr. Morgan shows several symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder. To explain it in layman's terms, Mr. Morgan simply does not give a f***. There are few effective treatments for such a personality outside of incarceration, but mood-stabilizing medication could help him control his aggressive impulses. Mr. Morgan could also suffer from depression which can manifest itself in aggression and substance abuse. Self-medicating depressed feelings could also explain his endless need for alcohol and women. Or he could just be a normal male. Either way, Prozac or Wellbutrin are recommended.
Suggested Therapy - Therapy often is not effective for APD, but Mr Morgan does seem to have a fondness for raw chickens and shallow pools, so perhaps offering him some combination of the above in exchange for not being a public menace would help.
Surgery - Mr. Morgan's condition seems to be beyond the abilities of even the most talented surgeons, but anything that would help him to look less like a Sleestak would probably be beneficial.
10 - Mad Hatter – Jervis Tetch
Case History – The trouble with Jervis Tetch began when he was told by a woman that he loved, suspiciously enough a woman named Alice, that she only liked him as a friend. As most of us do when confronted with such a troublesome reality, Mr. Tetch lost his s*** and proclaimed himself to be the Mad Hatter, of “Alice's Adventures in Wonderland” fame. Here is a good lesson for all the ladies out there; if you plan on telling a seemingly loosely-grounded guy that he's just a friend, make sure that he's not also an incredibly talented neuroscientist. Mr. Tetch used his expertise to develop mind-control headbands, and brainwashed normal people into doing his bidding. In one instance he even attempted to trap Batman in his dreams just so Mr. Tetch could date freely, according to his point of view. In general, he does not take rejection well.
Treatment Plan – Mr Tetch did not just have a psychotic break, he jumped from a very high diving board into a swimming pool full of crazy. Crazy and brilliant often do not result in a happy and quiet existence. Mr. Tetch does not deal well with nor understand the reality of interpersonal relationships, which is why he retreated to the world of Lewis Carroll's books. His mind took him to a place where nothing makes sense, putting everyone on a level playing field. His obsession with mind control shows his overall feeling of powerlessness which fuels his need for personal and mental control. Mr. Tetch shows classic symptoms of Erotomania, a delusion that he is “meant” to be with people who have no interest in him. He should also be screened for signs of autism.
Then again, maybe he just likes large hats...
Suggested Therapy - Anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications have been show to work well on people experiencing delusions and obsessive compulsions. It may also help with his fashion sense. In terms of psychotherapy, a Humanistic approach may help Mr. Tetch develop himself to his fullest potential, which would help make him more attractive to others based on his own merits instead of mind control. In this case, however, a Mad Hatter with high self esteem may become an even bigger threat, but that's what Batman is for.
09 – Catwoman – Selina Kyle
Case History – Catwoman is often seen wearing a skintight leather catsuit and carrying a whip. As of the most current version of the DSM, these are no longer signs of pathology in and of themselves. She does however have an obsession with cats, and a dangerous compulsion to steal. She's stolen millions of dollars of merchandise from countless people, and caused untold property damage during her skirmishes with Batman. Not so much a villain, she rarely threatens the lives of others. Her death-defying antics, however, risk both her life and indirectly the lives of others. We will not mention the dangerous erections she causes running around in that getup.
Treatment Plan - The most troubling of Ms. Kyle's actions is her seeming obliviousness to her own mortality. We are unsure if she really believes she has 9 lives, or if she simply does not care whether she lives or dies. Diving headlong off of 40 story buildings qualifies as maladaptive behavior no matter how you look at it. How she has lived this long is a scientific miracle. How she does so in stiletto heels is nigh supernatural. The most likely explanation for Ms. Kyle's behavior is an addiction to the adrenaline rush that comes from high-stakes theft and dueling with Batman. If this is indeed the case, she merely needs to be redirected to more pro-social behavior.
Suggested Therapy – Ms. Kyle's behavior could be a sign of a hoarding personality, and could lead to her one day being featured on a basic cable reality show. This is, of course, the cruelest fate possible. Behavioral Therapy works best for changing troublesome activities and addictions. The goals of such therapy would be to A. get her to stop leaping from tall buildings, B. look at LOLCats on her computer instead of attempting to steal priceless Jade cat statues from the Museum of Natural History, and C. providing her with less fetishistic clothing options. Maybe something from Talbot's for instance.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Let me know if you see anyone familiar in this: Garden State Variety Presents: The Adventures of @DonCoyote
Click the link silly.
I should update this more often.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
“The most wickedly Hilarious crowd-pleasing comedy show since Martin and Lewis!” - AARP Magazine*
“The Beatles of Comedy! I mean there are more than four of them, and one's a woman. We just like to say that everything is the Beatles of something. ” - Rolling Stone*
"A fast, furious, and ferociously funny farce of a show in the conventional culture of The Comedians of Comedy.” - Alliteration Magazine*
“Unholy. Blasphemous.” - Christian Science Monitor*
DeceptiComics Comedy Show returns to New York City, NY on Thursday April 26th at the Parkside Lounge located at 317 East Houston Street, New York, NY 10002. Show starts at 7:30pm sharp and admission is $15 at the door, $10 in advance at http://decepticomics-nyc.eventbrite.com
"A fast, furious, and ferociously funny farce of a show in the conventional culture of The Comedians of Comedy.” - Alliteration Magazine*
“Unholy. Blasphemous.” - Christian Science Monitor*DeceptiComics Comedy Show invades the DC are on Saturday, June 9th at the Varsity Lounge, 8601 Baltimore Ave, College Park MD. Show starts at 8:30pm sharp and admission is $15 at the door, $10 in advance. Click below for more details.
The DeceptiComics are five malevolent comedians, brutal, merciless, and hilarious. Their purpose, to conquer and destroy audiences with brutal wit and deadly punchlines. They are driven by a single undeviating goal: total domination of the entertainment universe. In the war that rages between staid, boring comedians of the past, and the newer, sleeker, more technologically advanced DeceptiComics the DC are will serve as the next battle ground.
*Magazine Quotes may not be accurate. Or factual. Or real.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
There in the old projects
and some grimy-ass goons
and the chatter of...
Trannys in bathrooms putting on their costumes
And there were three dope boys makin all kinds of noise
And Basketball Wives living shame filled lives
And an African louse who beats up on his spouse
And some Henny and Juice and a bowl full of kush
And a ton of used condoms, hidden under a bush
Goodnight Coon Goodnight Coon
Goodnight useless baby-daddy who doesn't wake up til noon
Goodnight ho's you'll be pregnant soon
Goodnight dope boys, Goodnight Noise
Goodnight Jakes in the Taurus, Goodnight Pimp named Horace
Goodnight crackheads cookin rocks on a Spoon
Goodnight louse, goodnight battered spouse
Goodnight Tyler Perry, and goodnight kush
Goodnight used condoms, goodnight bush
And goodnight to Tyrese who can misspell the word “hush”
Goodnight candy-colored cars, goodnight White people they scare
Goodnight Coons everywhere
Monday, January 9, 2012
God. There is nothing, as some of you know, that can put the fear of God into a person more than a blank piece of paper. These days for most of us that blank piece of paper has been replaced by the blank screen and the blinking cursor which, for some reason, is even more daunting. A blank piece of paper can be filled; it is finite. It has an end. If you fill up the entire front and entire back, that's all there is. And once you have filled that page, you have defeated it, defeated that small suddenly insignificant piece of used-to-be-tree. But on the computer screen, the word program is infinite. I suppose you could write a word document so enormously large that it would literally take up all of the space on your hard drive, but that is a bit unrealistic. Even if you just put a paperweight on the keyboard, it would be ages before you filled up a word document. And THAT is what is so scary. You cannot beat the page. You can only fill it and then, right there waiting for you is another bright, clean, empty screen. Taunting you, mocking you, daring you to come at it with everything you have. And if and when you do? There's another page. Like a Hydra, endlessly attacking you with space to be filled.
I have forgotten how to type. Not that I ever really was a good typist. Not even mediocre. I am using my two index fingers to type this, and am looking at the keyboard. I have typed this way since the first time I really had access to a computer, when I was 17 years old and a freshman at Penn State. That was 16 years ago, and I still type as well now as I did then. Skills plateau, I guess. I type fairly fast, but since I am looking at the keyboard I have no idea what I am typing, or if anything I am typing is being spelled correctly. Spell-check is my friend. It is a wonder anyone can spell anymore.
Typing is an issue, but writing had never been. I have always been a writer. Since the first time I started reading when I was 4 or 5 or whatever, I wanted to write. My mind was full of ideas, good ideas, great ideas I thought, and I thought that they should all be written. I would write, and people would read what I wrote and tell me that it was good, that I was talented. But I didn't believe them. I thought, rather oddly, that they had just never really read anything good, so what I wrote must have seemed great to them. It wasn't that I did not, or do not, believe that what I had written was good, I just... I'm not sure actually. I had the same problem with women actually. When I read things that I wrote years ago, things that I forgot that I had written, I always think “that was pretty damned good. I'm a great writer.” I have always been my biggest fan.
Women have loved me, and I have never, ever understood why. I have good traits to be sure, but enough to be loved? I never could logically figure out how a woman could fall IN LOVE with me. I'm a great guy and fun to be around, but love requires more I should think. I know each and every reason why I have been in love with the women I have been in love with. Some of those reasons were sick, twisted, and wrong, but at least I knew it. For some reason, I am incredibly and indelibly enamored with women who lacked, shall we say, sanity. Thankfully I only actually dated one such woman, but I often found myself chasing the craziest bitches you could imagine. Sluts, whores, bipolar-borderline personality types, cutters, criers, moody semi-psychotic females all had my constant attention. It did not help that the crazy girls where often the hottest ones. I think there is something about being beautiful that makes you crazy. And, as many people have observed, being crazy usually makes people pretty damned creative, or at the very least fun to be around at parties. Being Hot makes one fun to be around at parties as well, but it does not necessarily make one creative. Now if a girl was creative, sexy, and crazy? I was hopeless. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I am still hopeless. The only thing that stops me from still chasing crazy bitches like dogs going after cars is that I have the scars to remind me what happens when I catch them. Basically any time I got too close to a woman, well the effects were very similar to what happens when a dog catches the car; the car is fine but the dog ends up mangled. And boy have I been mangled.
Which is not to say that I am perfectly well myself. I am in fact crazy as well. The specifics of which are not important, but yeah I am crazy too. I think it is why I like crazy women, like really does attract like. Well, at least they attract me; I only attract them so much as they really like to be my friend. Which I suppose is fine, unless one really wants to have sex with someone who does not sleep with their friends. Then it is nothing but frustration. Sexual frustration is one of the worst types of frustration, other than vocational frustration. Sexual frustration is the hardest to truly satisfy because its satiation depends entirely on someone else. Some of us are much better at convincing others to have sex with us than I am. I am still, even at the age of 34, shocked when a girl agrees to have sex with me. I guess it's a great feeling. As a psychologist, I usually know what someone is going to do or say in any general situation, but I never, ever can figure out when a woman likes me until her hand is on my dick. Then I have a clue. One of my favorite moments in life is the very first time a woman spreads her legs for me. It is such a rapturously joyous occasion, I wish that Hallmark made cards to thank women for letting me see their vagina. It really is that great. Straight women and gay men are missing out. It's a little like... a little like when you're playing a video game, and you meet the one Boss character that whips your ass day in and day out for a week straight. Then finally, one fateful day, you figure out the proper strategy and you win the stage. Triumphant music plays; experience points are gained; gold is earned, and all is right with the world. Until you start the next stage that is.
I often wonder what it is like to feel sexy. I have no idea. This is no remnant of low self esteem that has stuck with me from my childhood, I honestly have never known what sexy is. I have felt confident, funny, powerful, in control, in charge, scary, neglectful, morose, intimidating, frightening, rageful... but never sexy. I mean, I think I know what sexy looks like, or at the very least I know what women generally find sexy and it never, ever looks like me. I know a lot of people find the Tyrese types sexy, and though I can match the skin-tone I am a far cry from the physique. Women think Ryan Gosling/Reynolds is sexy, but I'll never be able to be that white, at least not physically. People think David Tennent is sexy, but I will never, ever be that thin without losing some of my skeleton. Also, my hair will never do what his does, which is why I cry myself to sleep every night. I know that a couple of my girlfriends found me incredibly sexy, but it was through no fault of my own. I think that's what is most bothersome about the notion of sexiness for me, it's not a tangible thing I can work on and improve. It's easier for women, men are simple creatures. Find something good about your body and personality and accentuate it. My body and personality are constantly in flux, so what do I nail down and say it is exactly sexy? What do you do? What does anyone do? Sexiness, people tell me, is like being cool. The less you think about it the more you exemplify it. Is that true? Could it possibly be true?
I'm drinking. Not how you think though, it is a glass of V8 Splash, some kind of berry flavor. There is a shot of rum in it, but only one. I'm showing restraint. The words are flowing more freely now, more freely than they have in a while, but I am sure it has nothing to do with the sugar and food coloring and fermented whatever that constitutes rum. It is, more likely, because I can't think straight. ADD is wonderful for the creative process because it makes it impossible to not see an issue from every angle. Sometimes I think my greatest gift is being able to see a problem from many different points of view, a trait that people call empathy. I am quite empathetic. Too much so. In thinking of other peoples feelings I often neglect my own, and when I neglect my own feelings, they slink off into a corner and begin plotting malevolent selfish plans on their own. After that my subconscious convinces my waking mind to do something unspeakable under the pretense of helping, or sparing someones feeling. I really do understand all those sayings about doing evil in the name of good, sayings which often take the form of “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, or some variation thereof. Considering the heathenish things I do fully aware of the ramifications, and the bad things I do in the name of good intentions, I am doubly destined for Hell, if there is such a thing. I gave up on being religious long ago. I knew myself, and I knew I would never live up to any religions standards of goodness.
So here we are, some of the pages of space and time filled up with thought. If you have read this far and are wondering “what is the point of all this”, I regret to inform you that there is no point. No, wait, there is; the point was to see if I could still write, if I was still capable of forming coherent thoughts and sentences and putting together something people would read. I have written down every thought that I had in the last two hours, and you, for some reason, read it. I find myself as curious about why you would read this as I am curious about why I wrote it. I am writing this to myself, and hope that when I read it it offers a little glimpse into the mind of the writer, and offers some understanding where before there was none.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
See what these publications may or may not have said about The Decepticomics!
“The most wickedly Hilarious crowd-pleasing comedy show since Martin and Lewis!” National Geographic
“The Beatles of Comedy!” - Rolling Stone
It just may kill you with laughs. A fast, furious, and riotously funny farce of a show in the tradition of The Kings and/or Comedians of Comedy.” - ELLE Magazine
“Insanely funny.” - Christian Science Monitor
DeceptiComics Comedy Show premiers in New York City, NY on Thursday February 9th at the Parkside Lounge located at 317 East Houston Street, New York, NY 10002. Show starts at 7:30pm sharp and admission is $15 at the door, $10 in advance.
The DeceptiComics are four malevolent comedians, brutal, merciless, and hilarious. Their purpose, to conquer and destroy audiences with brutal wit and deadly punchlines. They are driven by a single undeviating goal: total domination of the entertainment universe. In the war that rages between staid, boring comedians of the past, and the newer, sleeker, more technologically advanced DeceptiComics the Earth city of New York will serve as the final battle ground.
Cerrome Russell, born and raised in Sumter County, GA, started his comedy career 10 years ago while serving in the United States Marine Corps. He was first exposed to a broader audience as a cast member on the 2nd Season of BET's popular prank show Hell Date. He has traveled extensively, performing at college campuses and military installations worldwide. Truthful, country and off-center Cerrome Russell's comedic style covers a wide range of
Dillon Stevenson is a comedian and writer based out of New York City. He’s performed stand-up at New York Comedy Club, Comix, Broadway Comedy Club and Gotham Comedy Club and other venues in NYC. As a co-founder of the comedy group G.R.I.T.S. he’s written, directed and performed in sketch shows off Broadway & at benefits and events throughout the city. As a lifelong performer in commercials, short films, television & stage shows, stand-up is where Dillon found his place after graduating from St. Johns University with a bachelor’s degree in communications. With microphone in hand (a light saber would have been preferred ) Dillon is taking the New York comedy scene by storm.
Mike Brown is a comedian and writer from Harlem, New York. He’s performed at Caroline’s Comedy Club, Stand Up NY, Laugh Lounge, EastVille Comedy Club, and other venues all over New York. He also hosts events, including one at SUNY where he did a pretty awesome job. Really! He knows that because 128 audience members became his Facebook friend afterward—and we all know how hard it is to get Facebook friends. Mike has a reputation for doing comedy absolutely anywhere; comedy clubs, cellars, bars, basements, gyms, laundromats, churches, colleges, condos, backyards, front-yards, attics, living rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms, Bed Bath and Beyond, funeral homes (to liven things up), mobile homes, retirement homes, wherever. And for the record, Mike Brown loves comedy much more than writing about himself in the third person.
John Minus is a comedian, writer, and all-around great guy who lives and breathes his home state of New Jersey. He has been described as having a sense of humor “darker than his skin” by racist comedy critics. He refers to his style as “Tragi-Comedy”. John opened for Robert Klein in October of 2011 in Cherry Hill, NJ. John spoke with Mr. Klein after the show, and was informed that he was not at all horrible. So, he continued his fledgling comedy career nonplussed, no pun intended. He is willing to do anything and everything to be entertaining, up to and including dropping his pants at a moment's notice. He doesn't need to do that, he just likes to. Eschewing traditional Black Comedian tropes, John has never dressed in drag. Well, rarely dresses in drag.
Tickets are $15 at the door, $10 when purchased in advance. Advance tickets can be purchased on Eventbrite.com.
The Decepticomics Comedy Show is an Exit Eleven Production. Lineup subject to change without notice. For more information go to facebook.com/AlterNegro, or http://ExitEleven.blogspot.com