The #WellActually series I will take a stupid, stupid blog, think piece, news story, study, etc. and riff on it, trying to make sense of the non-nonsensical. If you have a suggestion for a story I need to #WellActually, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
So, this happened. It is a blog post from a male (extrapolating from the name Jason, unless that's now a popular girls name among the Upper-East-Side/Connecticut Suburbs set) who has taken it upon himself to manslpain how to be attractive to women. I'm no raging feminist myself, but I know better than this. I don't go around telling women how to do their jobs. I have been known to mansplain things, but I never do it intentionally. If I'm called on it I stop because honestly I can see how that shit would be annoying. When someone writes a whole blog post, a man that is, telling women how to be attractive to men... no pun intended, but that takes balls. So I'm going to run down these 17 things and let you know if this guy is full of shit or not (spoiler alert; he is.)
- They are Happier – You know what's always happy? Puppies. Who doesn't want a woman who has the temperament of a puppy? Wait... in a way that could kind of be awesome... bu... no. No, no human is always happy, and if they are they are most likely on the happiest of happy pills. Real actual humans have ups and downs. It's possible to have a sunny outlook and a positive demeanor even in the worst of times, but the writer is definitely describing a puppy, not a grown woman. He says that all the people he meets at work are “bored” and “standoffish.” Is that a function of their unattractiveness or is it the effect you have on people? Think about it.
- They Don't Complain About Their Bodies – Here the writer almost, ALMOST makes a decent point. No one expects perfection in real life, and striving for it is fruitless. He's doing so well on this point but then has to add “One we actually get to hook up with” implying that flawed women are hot because they're attainable. If the writer had any chance of hell in landing a “airbrushed model” he'd kick the rest of you imperfect women to the curb. Lucky for you ladies, he's stuck chasing the attainable woman.
- They Actually Don't Complain Much Period – Have a bad day? Keep that shit to yourself! It makes you ugly!The writer makes the classic mistake of thinking that women talk about their problems to find a solution. It took me years to figure out that women sometimes solve their problems simply by conversing about them with others. The act of having someone listen allows people to vent their emotions on a subject and reflect upon it rationally. But it also makes you ugly, so don't do it. Bottle up all that negative emotion and channel it into, I assume, cooking and cleaning.
- They Wear Dresses – I have to admit, I much prefer dresses on women than anything else, but that's just that, my preference. I mean, there's a reason women wear dresses and gowns to fancy events. To assert that this is the only way a woman can be attractive is asinine. There's no evidence that pants make a woman ugly. The writer asserts that dresses “make us look at you like a man is supposed to look at a woman.” Um, sexually? That's how we are supposed to look at women? Only? Do men have to look at all women who wear dresses sexually? Because that could cause a problem at work... any work. This is probably why all of the writer's coworkers are standoffish.
- They Make a Guy Feel Special – This point is not actually too bad. He at least asserts that making an effort to impress the other person is a two-way street.
- They Are Kind - Who doesn't like kindness? At this point he is just describing what makes a person a good person, not what makes someone attractive. He should add to this point "doesn't murder children," because that is also a trait found in good people. Unless, you know, they try to murder you first.
- They NEVER Talk About Exes – Again, this may be a good rule for people in general. Who wants to hear about their significant others exes all the time? This is just common sense. However, if there are some real issues that a woman needs to discuss to be able to maybe move past some stuff in her past, you as her man should be able to suck it up and listen. It's idiotic to pretend that your girl is a virgin. That's delusional, and delusional thinking is not attractive at all sir.
- She Let's Me Take the Lead – Ah here we go, SUBMISSION! No woman should leave home without it. The writer asserts that being feminine involves deference to his wishes. I used to date a girl who had no will of her own and I hated it. I agree that the perfect relationship is one where the two individuals compliment each other. The writer contradicts himself here though; he wants a woman who can be her own person, but also defers to him. Don't be weak! Stand up for yourself! Don't stand up to me! Damn, being attractive is hard.
- She Isn't a Dead Fish in Bed – Again, this isn't just for women; this is for everyone. Don't suck in bed, it's a given. And if the man sucks in bed, well, see #3 and #5.
- They Aren't Businesslike – Hey I hear women are working now! That's swell! I am trying to figure out if this blog was written in 1952. The writer is basically saying “Hey, it's cool that you work, but don't bring it up to me. Keep it to yourself along with your hopes, fears, ex-boyfriends, worries, and personal preferences. Those aren't things I need to know about you.”
- They Cook – Everyone should cook. A woman who can cook is a plus, but not a necessity, and you certainly aren't unattractive if you can't cook. Dumb-ass.
- She's Encouraging, but Not Bossy – Going along with the theme of shutting your big trap, the writer feels that an attractive woman only expresses herself when it is in support of her man. When the writer talks about his problems, he doesn't want the woman to offer suggestions or alternatives, he wants her to just sit and listen to his problems in exactly the way he is unwilling to do for her. Fascinating. The hypocrisy I mean. Fascinating. Christ, there's 5 more of these?
- They're Athletic – Translation; No Fat Chicks.
- They Drink in Moderation – Addendum; No DRUNK fat chicks.
- They Keep Our Couple Secrets – OK so the writer doesn't want you talking to him, but he does not want you talking to your friends and loved ones either. Is he a cult leader?
- She's Close With Her Parents – No fat chicks, no drunks, and no orphans. Also, apparently being a single child or from a small family makes you unattractive. So if you can somehow change that, you should. You know, to be more attractive.
- She Doesn't Take Herself Too Seriously – OK I have to agree with him on this one. I could never be with someone who takes herself very seriously. Levity is what keeps me going. Again, the writer takes it too far, suggesting that anyone who is “neurotic” is going to make your life “a whole lot worse.” If you can try and never have had anything bad ever happen to you, that would be ideal.
So, that's how a woman becomes attractive. Easy right? No? This guy should go fuck himself? Yeah, probably. Again, you can see the original article here.