Saturday, February 16, 2008

Dying to Live

You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there ain’t nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die

I have been under the assumption that I have been living for the past few years, but at times it seems like I was mistaken. I have been in a funk, a malaise if you will, and I have been laboring to get out of it. I have spent most of the last 5 years of my life chasing something. I do not know what it is I have been chasing, or running after if you will, but I have been running hard. I suppose you could say that I've been running from some things and chasing other things at the same time. I’ve been chasing women mostly, mostly out of habit. It’s all I knew to do. I was chasing women because there was a great hole in my heart, a deep seated longing that was left by a woman. I guess unconsciously I believed that a woman could fill the need that a woman left me with. As time went on I found that one woman could not fill the hole in my heart, so I sought out more, and for a time I believed that no one woman could help me, help me fill the great sucking emptiness that lay where my heart had been. So I chased every woman I could, and believe me, I got around. In the process I destroyed many relationships that could have made my life a nice, fulfilling, loving one. The hole sucked up every bit of love that came my way, but it never got smaller. It just got hungrier.
So then there is the thing I was running from. I’m still running from that, and I think if I run fast enough I can get away from it. What I’m running from is worse than what I stated in the previous paragraph. And it’s faster, and it will probably catch up to me eventually. It is my Fate from which I run and I do not think I can escape it. It’s dark and foreboding, but it’s there. And I can’t avoid it. I have a history of mental illness, heart disease, and cancer in first degree relatives. That’s a lot to deal with.

Now I used to live my life as an illusion
But reality will make my dream come true
So I'll keep fighting to live
If there's no reason to fight
And I'll keep trying to see...
Until the end is in sight
You know I'm trying to give
So come on...give me a try
You know I'm dying to live
Until I'm ready to die
-Dying to Live by Edgar Winter

And now I find that I have had a change of heart in many ways. I met women who cared enough about me to stay around me even though I am broken. They hugged me even though doing so was like hugging broken glass, and they put me back together, cutting themselves many times in the process. They gave me all the pieces I need to get better, I just had to see that they were there. And I have. In the process I seem to have found some old parts of my personality that I had thrown away, that I had not used because they lead to me getting hurt time and time again. It seems like I am at last ready to feel again. I am ready to love someone the way they love me. I am not afraid if hurting everyone, because I have far less sharp edges than I once did. I know what I want, and I can pursue what I want with a single-minded resolve that I hadn’t had before. When I was in High School I was a one woman man, but I could not find one woman who wanted me. Now if I do find that one woman who wants me, and who I feel can handle me, I think I can be happy again. I did not think that I had the capability to be happy anymore,. But I know now that I can be, because I know some of the greatest women in the world. I think I can be happy with one woman now, I really do. I feel more stable, like I have a sense of direction now. It’s a sign of healing, but that does not mean that I can escape my fate
I know I can’t but I know that my friends won’t let me face my fate alone. I know that one day I’ll get sick and depressed, but I won’t have to do so alone. I have my friends to help me get through whatever may come, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I just have to prove to myself that I am worthy of having friends like I do. I have to prove to myself that I am worthy of a girl who is worthy of me. I have a lot of things to prove to myself, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I have a reason to get up in the morning. I feel like I have goals, things to move towards, things I want to achieve. I want to change, to be the best man I can be. I want a girl who loves me to be secure in the fact that I love and only want to be with her. I am very, very close, and I think I will get to that point soon, when I can look at myself and say that I deserve something good to happen to me. Hope has always been a four-letter word to me, but for the first time in a long time I feel it, and it’s scary. I hate being disappointed, but you have to risk it to get what you want. The things I want are very important to me, so I will have to risk a lot, but it will all be worth it. And if I fail, my friends will be there to help me up, like they always are. I’m not ready to die yet, not by a long shot. Now, here’s to hoping I live past 65.

1 comment:

GoldenSoul said...

You know, I identify with a lot you say in this blog. I too kept searching for *Something* I didn't know what it exactly was- I just knew I didn't have it yet. I felt like a ferret digging a hole ..and no matter what I found, I felt it was fleeting. I remember thinking "There's gotta be more!" as I kept digging. It happened in school, in relationships, in life. I was just not satisfied. ...I think I still struggle with this a lot, but now I remind myself to take it slow and whatever 'it' is, will come in due time. My friend S. sent me this quote- she said it reminded her of me. And right she was. Now when I find myself dissatisfied and hungry for more, I just read this and take a deep breath ...hopefully it'll help you as well =)

"As I look back on my life, one of the most constant and powerful things I have experienced within myself is the desire to be more than I am at the moment - an unwillingness to let myself remain where I am - a desire to increase the boundaries of myself - a desire to do more, learn more, express more - a desire to grow, improve, accomplish, expand. I used to interpret this inner push as a meaning that there was some one thing out there I wanted to do or be or have. And I have spent too much of my life trying to find it. But now I know that this energy within me is seeking more than the mate or the profession or the religion, more even than pleasure or power or meaning. It is seeking out more of me; or better, it is, thank God, flushing out more of me."
- From “Notes to Myself”, By Hugh Prather.